▶ Your Answer : There might be some people who believe that children have to compete on sports. However, I personally disagree with the above idea for the two subsequent reasons. First, it will be very stressful. Second, it is unfair for children to compete. (이미 밑에서 이유들을 다 설명을 할 것이기 때문에 굳이 인트로에서 장황하게 서술할 필요가 없습니다) To begin with, most children feel stress when they are divided by grade on physical educational class. Kids might feel shy if one got low grade than his close friends. This can cause that they do not want to play sports anymore low interest in playing sports. For example, when I was in elementary school, I had an badminton exam which was relative evaluation. It was very desperate because I was not good at badminton. So, I got low point on my physical education class and also got a sense of shame. On top of that, it is not fair for children to compete since all kids do not have same weigh, strength, and height. This means that a child who is taller than other friends can always win the match. There was a poll conducted by Korea National University physical education students with one hundred elementary school students as respondents. The purpose of the survey was to understand the consensus view about if children had experience that they feel unjust when they have to fight with someone taller than him. An overwhelming 91% students responded that they had an experience like that. To sum up, competitive sports will give a sense of stress to children and it is not impartial. In this regard, I firmly believe that children should play sports without any comparison.
점수: 23 일단 이 에세이에서 가장 부족한 부분은 주제의 연관성 입니다. 지금 이 에세이는 왜 스포츠가 경쟁이 아니라 재미로 해야하는지에 대해서 설명이 부족한 거 같습니다. 경쟁이 되었을 때 단점만 얘기하지 왜 재미로 스포츠를 즐겨야하는 지에 대한 설명은 구체적으로 나오지 않았습니다. 따라서 좀 더 주제와 연관을 지으면서 에세이를 서술하시길 바랍니다. 수고많으셨습니다.
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