▶ Your Answer :
Some people think that the extended family is also substantial in the present. (also in the present 가 성립하려면 일단 과거에 대한 내용이 먼저 언급되어야겠죠.)However, in my opinion, I do not feel the need of the extended family. The reasons are that many families rarely live together and most of people go away from their hometown to obtain job opportunities. To begin with, nowadays extend family members seldom live in the same household. What I mean is that (구어체의 느낌을 많이 주기 때문에 이러한 표현은 지양하는 것이 좋습니다.) they spend less time together, so they are less involved in each other's lives. For example, there was a poll conducted by the Korean minister of welfare with people who live in cities as respondents. The purpose of the survey was to understand the consensus view that the extend family members do not have to live in same places. The majority of the respondents admitted this statement. An overwhelming 72% had responded that modern people do not need to live with the extended family since the extended family members have little time to meet each other and people live independently without resorting to their family members nowadays. This survey proves that many people have a positive view of living without the extended family. (통계, 설문을 드는 것 자체는 좋은데 이를 설명하는 과정이 언제까지나 간결해야 합니다. 불필요한 사족은 다 잘라버리고 핵심 내용만 간추려서 설문을 설명해주세요.) On top of that, many people leave their hometowns to seek education or career opportunities. To be specific, the youth have to go to big cities for learning some skills and getting jobs so this causes them to leave their hometowns. For instance, I was born in a rural area in Korea. When I attended elementary school, I wanted to get higher level of education. So, my family and I decided to move to Seoul which is the largest city in my country. (문장을 and but so 로 시작해서는 안 됩니다.) In Seoul seoul, I was able to meet proficient people and obtain lots of excellent education and advantages. And (여기도 마찬가지이고요.) now, I have had some suggestions from IT companies. According to my experience, I could get many advantages by leaving my hometown. To sum up, the extended family members do not meet each other and they want to leave towns which they had grown up to acquire many important opportunities. In this regard, I think the extended family is not needed to many people these days.
총평: 본론 두 번째 문단은 논제와 더 직접적으로 연관지어주셔야 합니다. 직업 관련, 도시 이주 관련에 대해서 적어주셨지만, 정작 논제의 핵심인 대가족의 중요성의 여부와 어떤 식으로 연결이 되어있는지에 대해 전혀 보여주시지를 않았죠. 이 문단만 놓고 보면 해당 글의 논제를 잘못 파악할 여지도 있습니다. 수고하셨습니다 :) |