▶ Your Answer :
People live with others where they should
be responsible as a citizen of the world. In this sense, attaining a sense of
responsibility when at a from young age is very pivotal. A child can learn
responsibility from a variety of ways such as helping chores, doing volunteer
work and so on and doing volunteer work. However, in my opinion, caring for a pet is the best way for a
child to learn responsibility for the following two subsequent reasons.
To begin with, caring for a pet allow allows (ing 주어 뒤에는 항상 단수 동사 입니다) a
child to know how to help others. Since the world is getting more and more
small has gotten decreased, people encounter more opportunities in working in a team. To be a good
team player, people should have a responsibility to help others at any time.
Looking after a pet, children would understand not only that helping those in
need is important, but also pride(뿌듯함) attained from it
make them happy to help those in helps but also feels happy from help. For example, there was a study conducted by a group of
psychological majors in Korea university in order to understand the relations
between having a pet and helping others. They asked thirty questions to
respondents who consists of children from different kindergartens to identify
their characteristics. What they found was intriguing. 85 percent of the
children who have pets seem to be more of givers than the others. When the
researchers asked them what they usually do in their free time, they responded
that they give pets prey and often play with them. (이 부분과 주제와 무슨 연관성이 있는 건가요?)
On top
of that, as children have been raised with a pet, they tend to learn the sense
of responsibility to live with other creatures, not just with humans. Even
though a human is the most intelligent creature in the world, that fact does
not ensure human can do anything beneficial only to us it does not ensure people give benefits. It is crucial to aware
that keeping animal's safety and protecting the environment are also our
necessary roles is necessary process to enhance responsibility. By looking after a pet, a child can realize this much faster
than others without pets. For instance, I have had a dog since I was three
years old. Looking after my dog and playing with him have been one of my
favorite hobbies ever since I was young. Because I love him so much has been one of my favorite hobbies, I care
about every animal. A few years ago, I saw a stray dog lying on the dangerous
road shedding bleeds when my family and I were on our car. I was really shocked
so stopped my father's car and run to the pity dog right off the bat.
Thankfully he was still alive so we rapidly moved him to an animal hospital.
Thanks for our quick action, a few days later we received a message from an
animal protection center that he had recovered well after being cured.
To sum up, as caring a pet, children would
train the responsibility as a citizen of this world by learning the importance
of helping others and caring all creatures.
점수: 21 일단 지금 이 에세이는 너무 장황합니다. 에세이가 전체적으로 너무 장황하다 보니 각 단락들을 통하여서 무엇을 전달하려고 하는 것인지 모르겠습니다. 독립혀 에세이에서 가장 중요한 부분을 차지하는 것은 자신의 주장을 얼마나 설득력 있게 잘 전달할 수 있냐 인데. 지금 이 에세이 같은 경우는 전체적으로 너무 장황하기 때문에 본인의 주장이 구체화 시키지 못하는 거 같습니다. 따라서 좀 더 간결하게 에세이를 서술하시길 바랍니다. 수고많으셨습니다. |