▶ Topic : Some people say that following the statement is just to waste the one's energy. However, in my opinion, I think we have to follow the statement in order to save our time and to be safe for the following two subsequent reasons.
First, by following the statement I can save a lot of time. Time is so valuable that we should follow the statement (앞 문장과 반복되는 문장입니다). If we strive to create another method, you would wasted time despite of the endeavor. Morever you cannnot we would waste time despite of endeavor. Moreover, we cannot turn the time back (독립형 에세이에서는 you를 서술하면 안됩니다), even though you realize that you must have followed follow the statement. For example, when I moved to apartment I bought new notebook for major teamwork. Since I used to use computer well, I thought (think의 과거형은 thought입니다) it was (동사가 없습니다) also easy to use right away. However, my senior recommended me to read the statement and apply it step by step. Upon receiving his advice, I quickly adjusted the notebook and saved a lot of time.
Second, following the statement is less dangerous. Statement say says (statement는 단수 주어 입니다) about not only how to play it but also how to deal with it. On top of that, it say about some cautions if you should be carefu or do not follow. Not being exposed to the danger is most important in our life. To give an anecdote, when my brother was 7 years old, he is give new toy car. My parents said please follow the statement and be careful. However my brother ignored the statement and his leg was broken at the steep road. To sum up, you can save a lot of time and avoid a danger by following the statement. In this regard, I firmly believed that follwing the statemente is essential for the reasons I mentioned above.
점수: 20 일단 문법적 오류가 가장 크게 보입니다. 항상 주의 해야할 부분은 단수 복수 주어에 따른 명확한 동사 사용입니다. 또한 이 에세이는 어색한 표현들도 많으니 주의하면서 서술하시길 바랍니다. 마지막으로 두 번째 바디 단락 같은 경우는 너무 내용이 빈약하여서 무엇을 전달하려고 하는 것인지 잘 모르겠습니다. 따라서 좀 더 구체적으로 서술하시길 바랍니다. 수고많으셨습니다. |