There is no doubt that money is essential for the lives of teenagers.
As a resault, it is very hard to live without money. ← 위 문장과 다를 바 없는 run-on sentence 이고 cliche' 임
Moerver, for the teenagers who have to study,
money is one of the most significant factors in order to maintain a good quality education. ← 논리적으로
따져 본다면 teenagers 가 아니라 teenagers 를 둔 부모님이 아닐까요..?
그런 맥락에서 teenagers 들은 교육비가 많이 들어간다는 내용을 써주심이... 이 문장의 논리로 인하여
이후의 문장들이 계속해서 어긋나게 되는 듯 싶은데요... 일단 봅니다.
Thus, it means that numerous teenagers are conflicting with finiancial problems to afford their daily necessities. ← 10 대는 공부하느라 고생하잖아요... daily necessities 라고 하면 일용품인데...
용돈이 부족하다 라고 해야하지 않나요, 부모님을 떠나서라도..?
Many people believe ← 많은 사람들이 심각한 문제라고 생각한다고요..? that this is a serious problem for youngsters for three reasons : a lack of opportunity to seek their ideal jobs, ← 10 대가 일자리를 찾는다고요..?
they feel stressful and exhausted by the harsh work ← 10 대가 일 때문에 지친다고요..?
and it is costly to attend private academies. 자급자족하는 10 대가 얼마나 되는지..? 그리고 그들이 사립학교를 다닌다고요..?
First of all, since all of the teenagers have enormous potential to develope their abilities, seeking their ideal dreams is critical for them. ← cliche' 말하지 않아도 되는 판에 박힌 문구를 cliche' 라고 함.
However, for some teenagers who do not have enough money to obtain a good environment of learning may have only a few choices to select their jobs in the future ← 주어가 뭔가요..?
because of their poor studying environments. For instance, we need a certain amount of money to attend a school. Also, if we want to go to the great universities, we have to pay for extra courses such as TOEFL and SAT. Therefore, if we do not have that amount of money, we can not go the great universities. ← 이 문장 직접 한국말로 적은 다음에 다시 한 번 깊이 생각해 보세요!
On top of that, due to a lack of money, a number of youngsters should work instead of studying. Even though they are able to do both of them, it is extremely hard for them because of exhaustion and stress of working. To illustrate, there is a person whose name is Minjae, worked at the gas sation at night. Although he was a hard working student like an ant, he used to fall asleep during classes. For this reason, he could not get high grades on the tests. He even dropped out school because his work was too harsh for him.
Lastly, with the introduction of private academies, we can polish up on our weak or strong subjects after school. Yet, some poor students can not afford to pay expensive fees. Thus, these poor students might feel difficult to follow other students. For instance, assume if there are two students who have the same abilities and study the same amount of time, but one student studies with tutors everyday and the other one studies by himself. Who is going to get high grades? Probably the former student will easily get the higher grades because of the tutors' aid. For this reason, only poor students are going to be behind than those at private academies.
On the whole, there are three major factors why poor teenagers have suffered from financial problems : they are missing chances to find their ideal jobs, exhausting and harsh work and expensive fees of private academies. As far as we should be concerned, we can solve this problem by providing school loan for poor students. It might be worthy if we can handle this problem because they are the future of our nation.
글 쓰신걸 보니 말을 구성지게 잘하는 사람이다. 라는 생각이 드는군요
문장도 쉽게 쓰는 기본적인 틀을 갖고 있습니다.
혹시, 물건 값을 잘 깍으시나요..? ← 그런 생각이 들었습니다.
그러시다면, 님은 같은 시간 연습을 해도 다른 사람들보다 더 높은 효과를 얻을겁니다.
지금 중요한 것은
문장 하나 하나가 과연 우리가 상식적으로 생각하는 논리에 잘 맞는지를 생각해 보는겁니다.
그리고 굳이 써야 할 말인지, 너무나 평이하면 빼시고요, 생각해 보시고요
님은 그러한 논리성을 부각시키면, 그리고 문장을 간결하게 쓰는 연습을 하면
상당한 실력을 갖출 것 같습니다.
부던히 노력하시기를 바랍니다.
위의 글, 고민 많이 하시고 다시 한 번 써보세요, 대신 어렵게 쓰라는 말 절대 아닙니다.
쉽게 쓰되 꼭 할 말만 써보시라고 하는겁니다. |