ABCD ← 삭제하거나 고쳐주시길
ABCD ← 참고하시길
Many parents want to raise their children in countryside., because they expect that countryside provides their children with natural clean environment and freedom.
I agree with that
That is good but I think that we should not ignore a big city's advantages. ← 도시에 사는걸
찬성한거니까, 처음의 I agree 를 빼세요, 혼동되네요. 대신, That is good 을 넣으시는 게...
There are two reasons.
One is brilliant convenient facilities. Another The other is diverse opportunities. ← 둘 중의 하나는 the other 이 되겠지요.
First of all, there are many good amenities in a big city. This factor is very useful in various aspects. ← this factor 틀린건 아닌데요 밑의 문장과 비교해 보세요
There are many good amenities in a big city, which is very useful.. 콤마 넣고 which 로 앞 문장
전체를 받아주면 더 낫지 않을까요..!!!
Children can enroll a perfect better school or and enjoy going visiting to museums. educational places. On the other hand, good facilities are scarce in countryside.
For example, I lived in countryside when I was young. ← when young.
One night, I was awfully sick but there were was no hospital nearby. So I had to go to a the city in at night. If I lived in a city, I didn't need to do that. ← I wouldn't suffer much.
Besides, a big city offers children diverse opportunities. I don't mean just educational opportunities. If one grows up in only countryside, he or she can't perceive of what..? widely.
Because people believe things they experienced. ← 문장이 상당히 vague 하다고 하지요. 설명이 좀 필요합니다.
They don't know that what exists out there. ← 이 문장 역시 상당히 vague 하고요. 저가 보기엔 비문입니다. 안쓰는 게 더 낫거나, 명확하게, 분명하게 무엇이 문제인지 집어 말해야 합니다.
Children can experience many things, if they grow up in a big city.
Take An example of my cousin., he grew up in countryside.
← An example of my cousin who grew up in countryside, ← 어때요..? 더 낫지 않나요..?
when he had to decide his job, he chose the a farmer. I asked why. He said: Do you have any idea? Farming is the only one I can do. Isn't it surprising?
Environment makes one. ← Environment could impact much on a career (that one would get in the future.)
Conclusively, I'm convinced that B a big city is better place to raise children.
[Of course, countryside can offer fresh air of magnificent scenery but I'm not sure that those things are important in modern society.] ← 확실하게 말씀 드릴 수 있는 것은
이렇게 쓰면 채점자들 (영어권 사람들) 분명히 생각합니다.
"왜 새로운 topic 이 나왔지..?" 라고요, 저 몇 번 실수 했습니다. 크~~~!!!
Rather than, Nice facilities and various opportunities are more profitable beneficial for children. So I prefer to live in a big city. to countryside to nurture children.
첫째, 주제가 벗어나지 않은 점, 상당히 우수하다고 봅니다.
실상, 아주 많은 분들이 글을 쓰면서 주제에서 벗어나는 일이 허다한데요, 잊지 마세요
둘째, 자꾸만 설득하고 설명하려고만 노력합니다. 이해가 안되져..?
이거 써보세요, 진짜 좋아요, 효과도 좋고요, 제품이 잘 나왔어요, 끝내줘요 사세요. ← 이러지 마세요
이거 써보니 얼굴이 뽀얘졌어요, 윤기도 있고 촉촉함도 오래가고요, 가격도 싸요, 어때요 ←
과연 어떤걸 살까요..?
셋째, 한국말에 관사가 없으니 많이 혼동되지요,
원어민들도 정석 writing 에서는 종종 틀린다기 보다는 서로의 의견차가 많이 있습니다.
영문학 박사과정 한 분이, 담당교수에게 자신이 쓴 글을 첨삭해달라고 드렸더니
관사를 많이 고쳐주더라고요, 그래서 그 고친 글을 다른 교수에게 줘봤더니 또 고치더라고요
관사는... 으~~~ 짜증나지요, 그래도 최대한 노력하셔야 한다는거...
문장 하나 하나를 쓸 때마다, 좀 더 고민해서 보다 강한 설득력, 논리적인 구조를 갖도록
더 많은 시간을 투자하시기를 바랍니다.
수고하셨습니다. |