Do you agree or disagree with the following statement.
Games can teach people valuable lessons about life. Use specific reasons and examples to support your answer.
*진하게 표시한 부분은 제가 파악한 문단의 주요 내용이니 참고하세요^^
It is often said that games can be a good way to learn priceless lessons that are is helpful in life. However, everything considered, I firmly believe that the disadvantages of the games far outweigh the advantages. Especially, game can be detrimental to people's health condition and performance in school.
To begin with, playing game can damage individual's health. This is attributed to the fact that most of games are being played on computer monitor screen and such exposure to electric wave coming from screen is always harmful to people's eyes. Moreover, playing computer games also can cause people to get musculoskeletal diseases such as back pain and neck spasm because we usually sit on a chair long time during gaming. 컴퓨터게임이 건강을 해친다는 idea에 대한 논리적 설명 흐름은 적절합니다. For example, my youngest brother used to be addicted to playing games such as Starcraft. After school, he played that game until he went to sleep. Finally, he got severe lumbar vertebral pain and diagnosed dignosed as scoliosis in which the vertebral bone looks look like curvy. This implies that playing games only cause such health problems rather than giving valuable lessons in life. 적절한 내용의 예증 사례입니다. 이 부분에서 "장시간 게임을 했기 때문에" 건강에 이상이 왔다는 연결고리를 강조할 수 있도록 화면 앞에 오래 앉아 있는 동안 자세가 나빠졌고 이 자세가 오랫동안 고정되어서 척추측만이 왔다, 하는 식으로 더 보완해준다면 좋겠습니다.
In addition, doing computer games bothers students from increasing their academic performance by themselves. This is due to the fact that computer games can serve as one of the main factors to hamper concentrating on study. WIth such distraction, they will put in less effort in study, concentrate worse on task, and feel less responsible for their work. 게임으로 인해 학업에 집중하지 못하게 된다는 idea는 좋습니다. 이 부분에서 게임을 하면 왜 공부에 집중할 수 없는지에 대한 설명이 더 구체적으로 필요합니다. 단순히 '게임이 공부를 방해하는 요소 중 하나다'라는 피상적인 설명보다, 상대적으로 더 흥미롭고 전개가 빠른 게임에 집중해서 공부에 집중할 에너지를 모두 써버리게 된다거나, 게임하는 시간에 빠져서 공부할 시간을 확보하지 못하고 시간조절을 제대로 못해서 학업에 정진하지 못하게 된다거나 하는 식으로 조금 더 구체적인 단계를 보여주세요. According to the Ministry of Education of Korea in 2008, there was a huge difference between two groups of students in academic achievements. Students in group A were restricted to playing games four hours a week. Those in group B were allowed to play games as much as they wanted to. The researchers showed that the former groups spent more hours studying by 20 percent and performed higher in school. Moreover, they followed instructions well, submitted assignments on time, and participated activately in class discussion. On the other hand, those in group B dozed off in class and lacked focus on class materials. This implies that computer games prevent students from improving their performance in class. 모델에세이의 내용을 주제에 맞게 잘 응용한 부분입니다. 아주 좋습니다^^
In brief, although people are able to get several cherishable teachings while playing computer games. However, I think such games are likely to harm people rather than being helpful. This is because they can lower students' academic performance and cause serious heath problems.
논제 파악 effectiveness in addressing the task
적절한 설명 appropriate explanation
적절한 예증, 구체적 설명 appropriate exemplification, details
일관성, 단계적 구성 unity, progression, coherence
다양한 단어 구사 syntactic variety
적절한 단어 선택, 관용적 표현 word choice, idiomaticity
여섯가지 항목의 채점 기준에서 살펴본다면 전반적으로 논리적 흐름이나 적절한 사례 사용 면에서 잘 쓴 글이라고 할 수 있습니다. 충분히 fiar-good level 받으실 수 있을 거예요^^ 코멘트 참고하셔서 연결고리가 아쉬운 부분들을 보완해주세요. 같은 단어의 반복적인 사용 대신 다양한 단어를 활용해서 글을 구성해준다면 좋겠습니다. 글을 작성할 때 마지막에 문법 실수들을 체크할 시간 여유를 가질 수 있게끔 조절하면서 다양한 주제로 연습해주세요. 수고 많으셨습니다^^ 화이팅!