ABCD ← 고치거나 삭제하기
ABCD ← 참고하기
Intro 가 깔끔해서 좋습니다. Intro 의 마지막에 두 가지 의견을 간단하게 줄여서 언급하고
바디로 가면 좋겠습니다.
주제를 벗어나지 않는다는 점에서 읽기에 좋았고요
문장의 구조 역시 큰 무리 없이 잘 쓰셨네요
work at a restaurant 처럼 in 대신 at 이 더 낫겠고요
그 외에 신경써야 할 부분이라면
각 문장의 설득력 내지는 논리적인 측면입니다.
다른 분에게도 했던 설명인데요
이 차는 멋집니다. 차보니 잘 나가고요, 편안합니다. 폼도 나고요 ← 이 설명과
이 차는 최고시속 몇 km, 토크는 몇까지, 연비는 얼마, 핸들링은...
위 두 문장과 비슷한 오류라고 할까요..!!
참~ ending 을 더 깊이 생각한 후에 다시 한 번 써보시면 어떨까요..?
위 바디에서 말한 것을 다른 단어를 사용하여 다시 한 번 짚어주는 역할일텐데요
어떤 내용이었는지, 또 궁극적으로 말하고자 함은 무엇이었는지 전달이 되지를 않았습니다.
한 문장 각각을 의미있게 설득력있게 쓴다는 것이 아주 힘이 듭니다.
그래서 writing 이 어려운 것일텐데요
조금만 더 다듬고 깊이 있는 생각을 한다면, 아주 좋은 글이 될 것 같습니다.
수고하셨습니다.
When some students study abroad to other countries, they should find a job for paying their tuition. They would consider finding a good job. which is perfect for them. ← 밑줄 대신 job 앞에 good 이라고 써보면 어떨까요..? 그래도 문맥은 똑같이 이해되고, 의미전달도 별 차이가 없을 것으로 보입니다.
I would recommend working in at a fast-food restaurant if students ponder to find a job. try to get a job.
It helps students who work in fast-food restaurants ← 없어도 되겠는데요 learning various cultures in of other countries ; ← . it is easy for students to find their job as a worker in at a fast-food restaurant.
To begin with, other nation’s curious culture is acquired by working in at a fast-food restaurant.
When students go there for finding a job at first, they will learn how to encounter customers politely and how to make diverse fast-food. ← 일자리를 찾으러 갔는데 다양한 음식을 어떻게 만드는지 배운다... 라고 쓰신건데, "직업을 얻고 나면" 이라고 해야 하지 않나요
아니면 "일을 하면서.." 라고 해야 하지 않을까요..? 어떻게 고쳐 보시려는지요..?
그리고 밑줄의 will 보다는 would 가 더 자연스럽지 않을까 합니다.
Those ways which are facing a large number of customers and making fast-food are different in each country. ← "많은 손님을 마주하는" 방법들은 이라고 했는데요
말하고자 하는 모든 방법들이 '손님을 맞이하는 방법' 여러가지 방법을 말하는 건가요..?
아니면, 배우는 여러가지 것들 중에서 손님을 맞이하는 방법이 한 가지 인가요..?
저가 보기엔
Those ways in treating many customers and making fast-food, are different for each country.
라는 의미가 아닐까 생각합니다.
By learning that, them, employees can could gain their tastes, the way how to eat fast-food and the way how to greet those people not from your country or in different culture. as their cultures naturally. ← 밑줄 이해가 잘 안되네요, as 를 빼면 좋겠네요
To illustrate From my personal illustrate experience, it was hard for my sister to adapt Japanese culture when she studiedy in Japan. abroad. She entered a fast-food restaurant for to earn her tuition at first, but she could feel Japanese culture by working in there. she knew learn that Japanese doesn’t do not like to eat greasy food and they contemplate try their best to satisfy customers employee’s service. 더 설명을 하고자 하시면 by ~ing 으로 연결하시면 되겠네요
Besides, junk-food ←갑자기 바뀌면 안좋아요 restaurants exist spread out all ovet the world. 아니면 쓰신대로 대부분의 나라라고 해도 되고요 in most of countries, ← 콤마를 빼셔야하고요 so students can join a company easily. 문장 반복 됐네요Besides, fast-food restaurants exist in most of countries, so students can join a company easily.
Besides, fast-food restaurants in foreign cyountries mainly adopt hire students as their workers. ← 진짜로 그런가요..?
So my sister also enters a fast-food restaurant.
So my sister also became an employee for a fast-food company.
So my sister also had a job for a fast-food company.
알바를 한거면,
she had a part-time job at a fast-food restaurant. 라고 하면 더 나을 것 같네요
She also said to me that her wage was enough to pay her tuition and that its experience was enjoyable. As a result, most students who work in at fast-food restaurants have the same the thinking as like my sister. Working in at fast-food restaurants will would give many experiences and satisfaction with them.
In summary, I strongly recommend for students who are ← 생략가능 studying abroad in foreign countries ← abroad 자체가 해외에 란 뜻이므로... to serve in at fast-food restaurants. It is practicable because employees can be taught with from culture by encountering observing behavior of foreigners and making manifold fast-food with for foreigner’s taste. Besides, students can get a job in fast-food restaurant anywhere.
I think working in foreign country would be fun and marvelous. ← fast-food 식당에서 일하는거 말하다가 갑자기 외국에서라고 해버리면 안됩니다. 고쳐주세요
Even though I haven’t worked in a foreign countryies, I really want to get a job in at a fast-food restaurant if I have a chance to study abroad. |