▶ Your Answer :
Some people think that the number of cars will decrease be decreased in two decades. Although it is true that new technologies related with transportation are improving and many people imagine other inventive vehicles has improved, cars places will be decreased, I think that twenty years are too short period to replacing cars with other means of transportation replace cars for the following two subsequent reasons. To begin with, population will be growing, and the pace of the growth even will be faster than now there will be more increase in the population. The more population, the more demands for means of transportation will be will be increased. Considering that new vehicles made with new technology are very expensive at first, the increased demand for vehicles from increased population will not go to purchasing of the new one but of the conventional vehicles, that is, the cars. will lead to buying cars not the demand of new device will increase. On top of that, car is closely linked with modern economies, so the groups having economic interest with the fate of car will be likely to resist the drastic change connected with the car industry (항상 이유는 간결하게 서술하시길 바랍니다). To be specific, cars consume fuel made from oil, run on the road, and made up of numerous parts that are related with steel, plastic, tires, and other myriad ingredients. Therefore, oil companies, gas stations, construction corporations, auto makers and other many businesses are all influenced by whether the number of cars will decrease or not by the number of cars. Also these businesses hire a large portion of workers in many countries, so the difficulties or failures of these business from the fall of cars will result in high unemployment rate in the countries. As a result such corporations and governments will not ignore the demise of cars and even will try to fight against the propagation of new vehicles. To sum up, the increased population need more cars and groups having the same destination with car will try to maintain the number of cars. In this regard, I am against the idea that in two decades there will be fewer cars.
점수: 21 일단 두 번째 바디 단락이 너무 장황합니다. 전체적으로 설명을 되게 길게 서술하였는데 이러한 설명들이 이유를 설명하는데에 있어 전혀 도움을 주지 못했습니다. 따라서 좀 더 간결하게 주장을 구체적으로 서술하시길 바랍니다. 또한 전체적으로 문법적 오류들이 있으니 제가 지적한 부분을 숙지하면서 에세이를 서술하시길 바랍니다. 수고많으셧습니다. |