먼저 글올린 36세 직장인 입니다. 우산개미님 조언을 듣고 나름대로는 깊이 쓰려고 노력해봤읍니다. 예로 든 내용이 거짖말이어서 좀 그런킨 하네요. 이자리를 빌어 우산개미님한테 다시 감사하다고 말씀 드리고 싶읍니다. 가능하시다면 자세하게 지적 해주심 감사하겠읍니다.
If I were asked that “Who is your most admiring person?” <-존경에 대한 내용은 문제에 대한 답과 연관시키기에는 부족한 것 같습니다.I could tell without hesitation it is my father. However, admiring is one thing, teaching is another. That is, parents should be the best teacher. It has two main reasons. One is that their educational fields, which can be taught by parents, are too narrow. The other is that parents have a tendency to tie to their son emotionally.
First, everyone has his or her own special knowledge.-> 이것은 지나친 일반화 같습니다. 문제에서 묻는 것은 왜 부모가 최상의 교사가 아닌가에 대한 것이므로, 부모는 전문적인 교육자가 아니다..식으로 문제의 답과 결부시켜서 소주제를 정하시는것이 쓸때도 소제 잡기에 편하고, 글도 논리적이게 됩니다. / 예를 쓰기 전에 소주제에 대한 이유를 쓰시는게 더 좋습니다. 왜냐하면 부모는 자식이 학교에서 배우는 모든 과목을(such as 두가지 이상 예) 전공하지 못하고, 모든 분야에 전문가가 아니기 때문이다.이 다음에 예를 들어..식으로 전개하시는게 좋습니다.->For example, some people can solve mathematics questions very well, The others can have a linguistic talent. In case that someone’s parents were good at mathematics, he or she could be taught perfectly in mathematics. Conversely, if the parents were poor at mathematics, the son of them could not take a mathematics lesson improperly. When I was student, my father, who majored in mathematics in college, always helps me to complete my mathematic assignments but he can not help me in other fields.<-구체적인 예와 비교 좋습니다.
Second<- Moreover 혹은 Furthermore 가 더 좋습니다., parents cannot tolerate their son’s anguish. <요기도 본론1처럼 일반적인 문장 자리, 그다음에 To illustrate 혹은 The best example is my mother.>My mother always concerns about me. When I was a high school student, I had to study late for the purpose of entering the university. My mother always worried about my health. One day she did my homework herself secretly instead of me. She is so concerned about my health that she wanted to help me. I think that it was thankful to me sincerely, but it has little value to me. <- why 도움이 안되었는지 더 써보시길,
In conclusion, there are two primary reasons why I think parents should not be a best teacher to their son 과 딸. Most parents are neither many talented nor emotionally tied. In spite of my admiring to my parents I think that children must be taught in a school .
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파란색; 지적
녹색;예시
빨간색;소견
내용과 전개를 중심으로 적어보았습니다.
많은 분들 글을 읽다보니 한분한분 자세하게 조언해드리지 못함을 이해해주시길..