It is often said that one should put their priority on high salary than other conditions. It seems that people think their final-> ultimate (or main) purpose of the job is to earn money. However, a job offers-> a job that offers one lots of free time is better than the one with higher salary with less vacation. There are two main reasons for this: first, people can work with not much stress. Also, people can concentrate with their work.
To begin with, people who have a job which provide many free time can release stress much often. They are able to spend time with their families and take a rest. It is very important for one to take a break even while working.-> 이 문장은 일을 하고있는 도중에 잠시잠시 쉬어야 한다는 뉘앙스를 풍기고 있습니다. 두번째 문단에서 언급할 내용과 비슷하 뒤에 예시와도 논리연결이 잘 되어야 하므로 그러한 문장을 서술하는것이 좋아보입니다. For example, I have an uncle who was a doctor. He used to work all day long in hospital and never took a vacation. After 20 years, he was in failing health and he decided to quit his job and became a univeristy professor. Since he has taken an enough rest in the hospital, he looked very happy and healthy. He now recalls that not taking enough vacation was a big mistake which led to lonsing-> deterioration of his health.
In addition, people can focus on their work. Because they have been provided much vacation, their work efficiency will increase. Not only physically but also mentally, frequent rest will help people to concentrate their-> concentrate on their work. To illustrate, according to the study conducted by the Korean Times, the work efficiency by the company’s employees who were given 2 hour break showed 40% higher rate than the those who were given 1 hour break. During 2 hours, employees were able to take enough time to rest and take a nap. This statistic shows that remarkable work is resulted from enough break times.
-> 첫번째는 vacation과 health deterioration간에 연결을 지음으로써 주제에 대한 답을 했으나
두번째 문단에서는 break time과 집중력간의 상관관계를 서술하였습니다.
질문에서는 high salary with few vacations vs low salary more vacation. 이기때문에
일하는중에 잠시잠시 쉬는 break와는 또 다른 얘기이지 않을까 싶습니다.
To conclude, a job provides much free time is better than a job with a high salary and less freedom. This is because free time ensure people that non-stress environment. Furthermore, enough break time can help people to concentrate with their work – eventually, efficient working |