Dear 5.0:
I made some comments on your work. For your information, I think your piece of writing is pretty good. I would give you 4.5 this essay. If you could have provided more specific and detailed examples, you could obtain well above score 5. I hope you find this useful.
Cheers,
Nowadays, a big city has one or more zoos. [J1] These zZoos have been used in many ways,ways; however, they are in danger of being eliminated. It is because some people consider them [cruel][J2] and unnecessary. [J3] However, if managed well, zoos are not cruel[J4] and unnecessary places at all,all; rather, they are essential places for children’s education and animal protection.
First of all, zoos are very beneficial and important for children education. They can provide children with a variety of information. From real images of such as the actual appearance of real wild animals, to what they eat, and how they act and so on. I strongly believe in the proverb "Seeing is believing"..” It means that seeing is much better and more beneficial than just hearing about something. From this proverb, we can learn how important a zoo is for real, visual education for children. [J5] In addition, zoos can give a chance to become more friendly and hospitable to animals to many children.[J6] In fact, for children who live in cities have actually no chance to feel real environment. However, through visiting zoos and seeing real animals which were in books only, children can feel real environment and come to think that all creatures are equal and should be protected well[J7] .
Moreover, zoos are necessary for animal protection. Some may say it does not make sense at all in that some animals in zoos are not cared well and become sick and finally dead. However, I believe it is not a problem which can cause controversy over values of zoos because it is rather related to zoo management. If managed well[J8] , zoos can be rather important places for many wild animals, . Nowadays, there are many animals in the wild which are endangered because of environmental pollution. Forests, fields, anywhere they live in are seriously in danger[J9] . From current environmental situations, zoos are not only places where animals are seen to people but also are places where many endangered animals are protected and saved. From this point of view, zoos are not just beneficial but they are essential and necessary for the whole world as well.[J10]
Some people say that a zoo is just a place of cruelty [J11] and of no use. It may be right if a zoo is not managed well. However, if we have more interests in zoo management, it is rather necessary and advantageous in many ways. Children can learn many things from seeing real wild animals, and many wild animals can be preserved well. Because of these two aspects, I believe that a zoo is important and essential for everyone in the world.
[J1]What is the purpose of this sentence? I do not see why you need this sentence.
[J2]I think the choice of word is inappropriate.
[J3]Says who? I never heard a story about the danger of eliminating zoos in any parts of the world.
[J4]Again, the word choice is not good.
[J5]You have already mentioned this in the previous sentences so this sentence is redundant. For this reason, I think you would want to rearrange the previous sentences to maximize the vasitility of the proverb..
[J6]This is a good point, but I do not see any proper supporting for this argument.
[J7]I do not see how you come to this conclusion.
[J8]I agree, but how? You need to provide an example of well management.
[J9]This argument does not make sense because it is clear that the city is more polluted than anywhere animals live such as forest and, fields. As far as I know zoos protecting endangered animals from abusive hunting and other causes rather than the pollutions.
[J10]Good wrapping up sentence.
[J11]Note usage.