▶ Your Answer :
This simple, but
disputed matter is regularly brought to mind. In these days, there are a lot of
broad information in the internet because of thanks to advanced technology. Some people
want to know what is happening in the earth(earth라고만 하면 환경 문제에만 국한되어 있는 거 같아요. world가 낫습니다. ), even if they are not related to
them. It is true that some information online is enormously useful, but mostly
they are not. Therefore, I do not think it is good idea to realize everything
in the world.
It is so far obvious that most of information online
is negative and harmful. Journalists always write attractive and interesting news
which will allure people’s interest because journalists belong to companies and
have to gather subscribers, so they get competitive. Unfortunately, happy and
joyous news are not popular, but negative things such as celebrity’s suicide or
death are. Latter is definitely not good for human. For example, recently in
Korea, a famous celebrity killed herself via depression. She was a really
well-known singer and also an actress, so everyone heard that news. I have a
friend who has also a depression, and she has really been through the problem.
After she heard the event she did not feel good.(여기 예시에서 she가 너무 많이 나옵니다. 두 특정인이 나온다면 두 명 구분 확실히 지어서 서술해야 합니다. ) If we care about a lot of
events online, we might be get bad influence.
Moreover, there are too much information in
the internet, when we open the facebook or reddit, tons of novel posts are
uploaded in every second. Many a time, people receive massive amounts of
garbage in their head. It may make our brain confused since information are mixed
like a salad and we cannot even perceive which is important thing in out daily
life. There was my schoolmate who could not do his homework because he was
addicted in the facebook. He looked into the internet every time and forgot
about the homework. A lot of news can make you feel smart, but in fact, it is
not true at all.
Consequently, someone do think the imformation
which he or she received is not significant or powerful. However, it can make
our negtive thought and mindset unconcsiously. Therefore, I disagree that it is
important to know about news happening around the world.
우선 spelling오류 굉장히 많은 편이니 주의해서 작성해주세요 proof reading하는거 정말 중요합니다. 문법 오류는 많은 편입니다. 특히 시제랑 수일치 같은 경우는 한번만 읽어보면 대부분 고쳐지지 주의해주세요. 또, 문장력이 좋은 편은 아닙니다. 다른 사람의 글들 많이 읽어보고, 어휘 공부 많이 하시면 좋을 거 같아요.
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