▶ Your Answer :
There have been dissenters to the view that cell phones have provided people with more freedom. However, I disagree with them due to the fact that they gave us a wealth of methods to get information or knowledge, and to get in touch with other people. To begin with, mobile phones gave humans more freedom to obtain information. You can easily get a plenty of knowledge using phones via search engines, e-books, dictionaries, and videos in YouTube. If it were not for cell phones, one would have no choice but to get information through limited paths. (It's better to say "through limited ways) For example, I used to study physics, which is my major in college, using textbooks because professors usually made use of them in their classes. (Unnecessary point) However, I sometimes had difficulty completing the homework by only referring to the printed books. Therefore, I turned on my phones and used various information-gathering tools such as Google and online reading materials. From then, I could successfully finish my assignment and get a good score in all of the courses. I guess that mobile phones were one of the best teachers in making me understand the contents of my major. On top of that, cell phones allow us to have more freedom to make contact with other people. (Awkward structure) There exist a variety of ways to keep in touch with others in phones such as e-mail, messengers, and phone calls. Surprisingly, they give you a method to communicate even when that those who you hope to contact are is physically far from you. For instance, I sometimes felt lonely when I delivered (?) the military service because I could not meet my family members when I wanted. Since there was no freedom to go out, my friends who were attending the school could not know how I were staying. (What does it mean?) Fortunately, thanks to my cell phone, I could get in touch with them on a regular basis, and know events which occurred outside the military camp. The military life during the military service is hardly imaginable without a mobile phones because I would then not have any freedom to contact my family or friends. Therefore, I feel that phones are a very powerful method to make a connection among people. To sum up, mobile phones offer freedom to obtain information and make contact with others. In this regard, I firmly believe that people have enjoyed more freedom in several points thanks to cell phones. 채점기준표 | Grammar | Contents | Example | Coherence | 점수 | 2 | 3
| 3 | 3 | Score | Fair 18-23 | - 어느 정도 글자수가 제한되어 있는 에세이기 때문에(시간역시 마찬가지) 불필요한 설명 구문은 생략해주시는 것이 좋습니다. - 글이 다소 복잡하게 쓰여진 문장들이 있어 명료하게 읽히질 않네요. - 정확한 그래머를 사용하여 의미를 명확히 나타내주세요! |
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