People should try out several different occupations before committing to a long-term job.
Disagree.
Some people think that people should try out several different occupations before committing to a long-term job. However, in my opinion, it is better for people to start their career which is their final goal as soon as possible for two reansons that people can become successful professionals faster and financially helpful to companies.
To begin with, by getting a continuous job early can make people professional in their areas faster. To be specific, in the current world, people are required one specific field rather than a wide and shallow variety of knowledge. A person with knowledge (well-known은 명사가 아닙니다) about their area is regarded as 'a person of expertise', while others who (관계대명사) lack their special area are simply ignored. This is why getting a lasting occupation early can not be overlooked. A survey was conducted by a group of business (철자오류) major, with 200 young employee as respondents. The purpose of the survey was to understand that whether they consider to shift their job for career or not. What they found was intriguing. A majority of respondents replied that they will not change their occupation because they want to build up their specialty. An overwhelming 80% of respondents responded that it is important to learn one expert area in their career.
On top of that, it can be helpful for the company to capture their employees because of their financial condition. To be specific, companies should spend a number of money to educate their fresh workers until they can work like other employees (단/복수). This can be a serious burden to the company if people change their job frequently. For example, one incident in my country can prove my point. In the year 2016, the Korean government passed the law of the limit budgets of the company to training cost for their new worker after the research showed the result that company's 15% profit is used to raise their employee. After the implementation of the policy, most of companies can solve the budget problem regarding their new people.
To sum up, people should devote their long-term job because it is helpful to raise technology of their area and help the company not burdened for their training cost. In this regard, I strongly believe that people should not try out several different occupations before committing to a long-term job.
1. 각 문단 시작 전에 tab 버튼 눌러서 들여쓰기 해주세요.
2. conclusion의 분량을 3문장 이상으로 늘려주세요.
3. introduction의 분량을 3문장 이상으로 늘려주세요.
4. 사소한 문법 오류가 잦은 편입니다. proof-reading을 꼼꼼하게 해주세요.
특히 지금 주어 동사 일치와 수일치에 대한 개념이 아예 없는 것으로 보여집니다.
단수 복수의 기본적 개념 차이부터 숙지가 필요할 것 같습니다.
수고하셨습니다. *^^*