▶ Your Answer :
There are two types of family; Extended family and nuclear family. The former is the family which contains the whole member of the family including grandfather, grandmother, aunts, uncles, cousins and etc. The latter is a smaller family which is usually composed of parents and their children. A few hundreds of years ago, most families were extended family, dwelling in their own family land and doing family business. In modern times, we can see both extended family and nuclear family. There’s a debate whether extended family still holds the same importance as it did before. Some argues that they are equally important. However, as nuclear families are now more present than the extended family and the importance of having extended family is reduced now, I believe that the extended family is not as important now as before. First of all, there are more nuclear families than the extended families nowadays. The existence of extended families is shrinking faster and faster now. On the other hand, the proportion of the nuclear families in the whole families is becoming larger. According to the research, it is shown that while the proportion of extended family has decreased to almost quarter in past 30 years, the proportion of three to four-men families has increased about 20%. Also noticeable is the drastic increase in one man families and two-men families. As they are more nuclear families than extended families in modern society, it can be said that the importance of nuclear families is greater importance than that of extended families. Secondly, the tendency of people living in the present world has moved on from the family-oriented one. In the past, what mattered more to people was the safety and well-being of the family. People usually lived with their extended families, lived in the family territory and made a living on the family business. Many people even inherited the jobs of their parents. They simply lived in the small world which was only their extended families. However, in contemporary world, this tendency has changed. As the individualism spread among the society, people find their own unique job, live in their own house apart form the families’ and communicate a lot of people from all around the world, who are not their family. Modern people simply don’t care much about their families and do not meet them as frequently as they did before. They have much more variety of people to care and interact apart for their own families. Therefore, the importance in the extended family reduced as people do not live in the small world of their family; they live in the bigger world consisting of people all around the world. In conclusion, I agree with the statement that the extended family is not as important now as before. This is because, the number of nuclear family has outnumbered that of the extended family and the lives of people now has more emphasis on people out of the family. Despite the fact that the importance of the extended family has reduced, families, regardless of their sizes, are still of great significance to everybody. As the famous saying goes, ‘blood is darker than the water.’ I believe that we need to take more time and effort for our families as they are the ones who will always love us and be around us despite everything.
introduction 과 conclusion이 너무 길게 나오는 편입니다. main paragraph를 길게 , detail하게 쓰고 나머지 둘은 조금 간결하게 끝내는 것이 balance가 더 좋습니다. 주장 아주 탄탄하고 주장에 대한 supporting detail들도 적절하게 잘 나오고 있는 듯 합니다. 다만 어휘가 너무 기본적이고 예상 가능한 범주 이내에서만 나오는 것 같아 문장 흐름이 조금은 아쉽습니다 더 다양하게 idiom이나 숙어, 동의어 각각 많이 공부하고 쓰면 좋을 것 같아요 |