▶ Your Answer :
It is questionable whether human activity drives the earth to the
worse place to live. I agree with this statement because there is ever-emitting
fine dust from the manufacturing factories and the constant rise of the earth's
temperature.
To begin with, it is inevitable to produce fine dust when people run
the manufacturing factories. The factories disseminate the chemical pollutions
and the fine dust, which are the byproducts of the manufacturing procedure.
Fine dust (PM 2.5) in other words, involves the tiny crumbs of heavy-metal
components, is not filtered by the human lungs. Thus, these byproducts of
human activity result in human respiratory diseases. For example, South Korea is
the main victim of the fine dust from the factory belt on the eastern coastline
of China. This pollutant The dust from the factories on neighboring China flies to South Korea as when the wind blows from the west on warm days in
the spring and the fall season. This deadly pollution affects the people live
in South Korea and results in the growing numbers of patients who suffer from
respiratory problems. The skyrocketing number of respiratory patients numbers in the
spring and the fall indicates how deadly this phenomenon affects people’s
health.
On top of that, it is clear that global warming trends constantly
harm the world environment circumstance. Global warming mainly resulted from
greenhouse gas, which captures the heat energy in the atmosphere. This gas is
mostly derived from the use of fossil fuel. For example, as the global temperature
rises, the glacier in Antarctica and the North Pole melts into the water. This
melted water results in higher shoreline levels. Due to the rise of sea levels, some
countries in the Pacific Oceans lost one-eighth of its territory during the
past decade. This is no exception to the countries around the world which have
the coastline.
To sum up, the human activities activity gradually changes the earth into a bad
place to live due to the fine dust from the factories and rising global
temperature derived from the greenhouse gas emits. There should be a feasible
solution regarding these problems, or we will lose our home planet in a few
decades. In this regard, I agree with the statement that human activity is
making the earth a worse place to live.
채점기준표 | Grammar | Contents | Example | Coherence | 점수 | 4 | 4
| 3 | 4 | Score | Good 24-30 |
- 고급 어휘의 사용이 많고, 두 가지 근거도 설득력이 높은 편입니다.
- dust 는 pollutants 등으로 계속해서 단어를 대체해서 써보시는 것이 좋겠습니다. - 또한 첫 번째 내용에서는 폐 뿐만 아니라 blood vessel에도 영향을 미치는 연구결과가 있다고 하니 내용에 참고하여 주세요. - 두 번째 내용에서는 global warming 의 sea level이 올라가는 것에 대하여 좀 더 critical 한 영향을 준다는 예를 가져오시면 좋을 것 같습니다.
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