▶ Your Answer :
Undoubtedly,
being a successful person plays a significant role in people’s daily lives in
many of the places where they play or work. Some people think that to be a
successful person, one must be open to new ideas and willing to change one’s
mind, while others do not think differently. Both sides may have their own reasons to support
their views. If I were asked to choose one, I would say that if someone wants
to be a successful person, they will be open to new idea and willing to change
one’s mind for the following subsequent reasons.
To begin with, when people accept
new idea and change their mind, they can easily to get success to their
performance. People may come up with ideas that have been overlooked by others,
as the saying goes, “Two heads are better than one.” It is likely to bring a
better result in their performance to success. It brings about the better result in their performance to succeed. For example, when my youngest
brother was in university, he took a leader in team project. He used to be very
stubborn person. He was lazy, selfish and passive in lecture. Furthermore, He
got distracted easily, procrastinated and acted on impulse. He did not like to
listen to others advises. The reason is that his His (the reason is that은 적절한 표현이 아닙니다) team’s assignment often used
to get D’s in lecture. However, he has changed little by little gradually after he
started to listen to other member’s opinion, which means that he opened his
mind and he also was willing to change his mind. He realized that listening to
other member’s idea helped him increase his team’s academic performance as well
as his own grade, while his stubborn thinking was able to negatively affect
them both. By doing this, In doing so, his team could excel all throughout in university and
his team member received straight A’s in class during semester. In addition, he
has maintained a good behavior by opening his mind. Without this experience, he
would have fallen behind in his university life.
In short, I firmly believe that the
advantages of being a successful person, one must be open to new ideas and
willing to change one’s mind far outweigh its disadvantages for the reasons I
have mentioned above. All in all, the importance of being a successful person,
one must be open to new ideas and willing to change one’s mind, which cannot be
overestimated in life.
점수: 22 일단 지금 이 에세이는 한 단락에 너무나 많은 정보를 넣으려고 하는 독립형 에세이입니다. 너무나 많은 정보를 한 단락에 넣으려고 하다 보니 까 에세이가 너무 장황하게 변하였습니다. 에세이가 너무장황하다 보면 본레 자기가 전달하려고 했던 의미들이 변질되기 때문에 좀 더 간결하게 자신의 주장을 전달하시길 바랍니다. 지금 이 에세이는 이러한 부분이 가장 먼저 고쳐져야할 거 같습니다. 수고많으셨습니다. |