▶ Your Answer :
Without a doubt,
we have to use our time productively. Some people might argue that spending time
with family is essential, while others do not. Both stance might have their own
specific reasons to support their views. If I had to choose one, I would say
that working hard is more important in one’s life. There are a few reasons as
follows.
To
begin with, being at work makes people more successful in their life. To explain,
putting one’s full efforts in one object increases the possibility to be successful.
In this sense, if people use their precious time to excel in their work instead
of just spending their time with their own pleasure, such as having a relaxing time
with family, they will truly succeed through their career life. Let me bring up
my own story as an example. I worked at a company which gave me a lot of demanding
tasks. At first, I was overwhelmed with my job. However, I decided to work hard because I wanted to be appreciated by others. Therefore, I spent most of the time
working, even though I wanted to go home and have a dinner with my family.
After all this struggling, I was recognized by other colleagues and this experience
gave me a feeling of success. If I did not put my effort into my career, I
would not have succeeded.
On
top of that, by spending time at work, people can be exposed to different kinds
of environment. To be specific, companies are composed of variety of people,
whereas families do not. Therefore, people can experience diverse people and
respect different opinions. Moreover, respecting different opinions from other
people is one of the most crucial factors in life. For example, a study
conducted by New York University is a good example of this. They tracked the
lifestyles of 200 successful leaders over a 2 year period. What they found was
intriguing. These leaders tend to be more understanding about other people. In
the following interview, leaders replied that the reason why they were more open-minded
was because they learned how to absorb different opinions when working. This
study strongly proves that people who spent most of their time at work have a
tendency to be respectful about others.
In
brief, being at one’s work is absolutely important in life. This can bring them
a sense of success, and they can have more chances to interact with other
people. In this regard, I strongly believe that being at work is more
significant.
주장 자체는 좋은데, 이를 문장으로 설명하는 방식에서 약간 부족해보입니다. 자신이 전하고자 하는 바를 문장으로 쓸 때 70퍼센트만 전달되는 느김입니다 약간의 문법/어휘 오류도 보이는 편이고, 문장들이 짧은 편에다가 한 문장에서 전달하는 의미가 제한되어 있는 편입니다. 문장 쓰기 연습이랑 문장 보는 연습이 조금 선행되어야 할 것 같습니다 10/15
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