Question: do you agree or disagree with the following statement?
Comprehending the past is crucial to being able to tackle obstacles facing us not and in the future.
My answer:
There might be some people who believe that comprehending the past is important to being able to figure out obstacles facing us now and in the future. However, I personally disagree with the idea for two subsequent reasons. First, various technologies are changing continuously. Second, understanding the past is stressful.
To begin with, with the improvement of technology, various electronic devices and home appliances has been introduced. To be specific, smartphones, computers, vacuum cleaners and many more help people to reduce the time for doing unpleasant tasks. Therefore, they could be free from the burden of problems that were sever in the past. However, these products were not existed in the past. In other words, today's and future's people cannot receive any advice even if they understand the past. Let me bring up my grandmother's story as an example. When she was in high school, she had to do house chores in person immediately after school. It took a lot of time and she developed the ability to do chores as time went by. However, people, these days, use the dishwashers when they do house chores. Hence, my grandmother's skills are not used now.
On top of that, comprehending the past is stressful and it may contribute to health problems. To be specific, if people try to understand the past, they are stressed out. Today's people are under a lot of stress due to the competitiveness of society. Therefore, the situation could involve a great deal of mental strain. As a result, efforts to understand the past could make people face more tremendous obstacles. For instance, my uncle, the human resources manager of a major company, told me that his company forced employees to learn about history for developing an ability to figure out today's obstacles. At first, they studied history hard but they were stressed out later because they had to not only work their tasks but also study history. The situation made people uncomfortable and achievements of the company decrease.
In conclusion, comprehending the past is not appropriate to apply to today's technologies and is so stressful. In this regard, I strongly agree with the statement that comprehending the past is not appropriate to being able to tackle issues facing us now and in the future.
intro에서 두개 이유 잠깐 설명할 때 이렇게 first, second나눠서 적지 말고 한 문장에 합쳐 적는 것이 흐름에 더 좋습니다.
주장 아주 설득력있게 잘 설명한 것 같아요. 예시도 적절하게 잘 작성하였습니다.
다만 주장을 문장으로 설명하는 과정에서 단어를 조금만 더 다양하게 표현했다면 좋았을 것 같아요
그리고 특히 연결사 다양하게 쓰는 거 추천드립니다. (to be specific, therefore등 여러번 나오는 연결사 있으니, 최대한 다양하게
동의어로 쓰는 걸 추천드립니다) conclusion에서 주장 summary 조금 더 나와야 합니다. 그리고 어휘 그대로 쓰지 말고 paraphrase
해서 써야합니다