▶ Your Answer :There is a Korean proverb saying that ‘to
live a successful life, people should be in large environment.’ (속담 말한 후에 바로 나는 이 속담에 동의/반대한다. 이 말을 해줬다면 더욱 좋았을 듯 싶습니다) People have
different thoughts and interests when it comes to consider living in big cities
or small towns. Some people say that reside in country is better than downtown.
However, I strongly believe that living in large cities is better than living
in small towns. There are two different reasons that there would be more
opportunities to make money and people’s lives are more convenient. To begin with, there
are more opportunities in big cities. The countryside has less job opportunities thus young people often leave their hometowns. (시골에는 한정된 job만 있다보니 passion을 찾으려 도시로 나간다. 이런 문장 하나정도 나왔더라면 연결성 더 좋았을 거 같습니다. 이런식으로 문장 사이 연결이 자연스러운지 신경 많이 써줘야 합니다. ) On the other hand,
cities have more jobs because they have a lot of people and needs for goods and
services. For instance, my mother was from the small town in South Korea and
when she was a high school student, she felt that there was less chances there
so that she decided to go to Seoul which is the capital in Korea. Afterward,
she got a job in the small company and had more opportunities to meet people
which made her have wider perspectives. Therefore, it is reasonable to say that
large environment would give people more and better opportunities.
Moreover, people’s
lives staying in big town are more convenient. Cities have many public places
such as convenience stores, theaters, and hospitals and cities are more approachable
to those places. Thus, people can go fast in urgent circumstances. To be specific,
my friend Yein, who was living in small town, once was sick at night. But he
did not have a car to go to clinic that is quite far away from his house so he
had to go next morning. Therefore, dwelling in big cities make people accessible
to many places.
To sum up, large
cities help people to have a comfortable life and to get more opportunities. Therefore,
I believe that living in cities would be more advantageous than small towns to
live a better quality of life.
두번쨰 main paragraph 주장 설명이 너무 빈약합니다. 적어도 2-3문장 정도 supporting detail더 나왔어야 합니다. 그리고 but으로 문장 시작하는 거 지양해주세요 예시가 조금 빈약한 편입니다. 조금 더 back up story가 탄탄했으면 좋았을 거 같아요 어휘가 문장과 어울리지 않는 부분이 조금씩 보입니다. 쓰임새 특히 신경써주세요 |