▶ Your Answer : Some people think that parents should focus on helping with their children's schoolwork. However, I think parents playing games or sports with children are more beneficial to children. First, parents can have make (놀면서 memory를 만드는 거니까 have는 어울리지 않습니다)more good memories with their children by playing games with them. (주장 supporting detail이 더 많이 나와야 합니다. 어떤식으로 놀면서 기억을 만드는지 등등) For example, if you children likes basketball, play basketball with them. This way, your children can think of you like a friend. In this case, you will have a more intimate relationship with your children. In addition, if you want to teach your children something, teaching it by playing a game is the best. Parents helping with their children's homework can be pressuring to children. However, if parents play games or sports with their children, their children can be more relaxed. (어떻게 해서 relax되는 건가요? 설명이 전혀 없으면 아무리 좋은 주장도 무용지물이 됩니다) Moreover, helping with schoolwork isn't the only way to teach children something. For instance, you can teach children about the importance of rules by playing sports with them. To sum up, I think that parents should play games or sports with their children instead of helping with schoolwork. This is because parents can have more good memories with their children, and can teach their children better by playing a game with them. For this two reasons, I think that parents should play games or sports with their children instead of helping with their schoolwork.
우선 main paragraph들이 너무 아쉬웠습니다. 내용 detail도 부족한 편이었고 설득력도 낮은 편이었습니다. 내가 a라는 주장을 했으면 주장에 대한 back up설명이 주인공으로 나와야 하는 점 잊지 말아주세요. 그리고 어휘와 문장이 잘 어우러지지 않는 부분이 꽤 보입니다. |