▶ Your Answer :
There are different
opinions about the idea that people can have more advantages when they travel
around their own countries than travel to foreign countries. I strongly believe
that the statement above is untrue because of the importance of widening one's
horizon and success in career.
To begin with,
traveling foreign countires countries can play an important role in broadening one's
perspective. This is mainly because unlike traveling just familiar our own
countries, the trip to unfamiliar diverse countries can expose us to more
different cultures, thoughts, and lifestyles that we have never known before
while interacting and socializing with people who have a wide range of
interests, talents and only customs in native country. Consequently, we can take
a quantum leap in intellectual growth and accept diversity important in the
globalization of the world. Let me bring up my personal story as an example. When
I was in college, I traveled many different countries ranging from Japan to
Africa once every a year. As a result, I could learn about a wide
variety of unique cultures such as music, food and languages. This was because
I met diverse people in different countries and interact with them. To be
specific, while walking on the street, I made foreign friends and talked about
and shared my opinions, ate lunch and even went to a theater with them.
무난하게 풀었는데, 아쉬운 점은 개인적인 경험을 풀어낼
때 설득력이 부족해보입니다. 근거로 세계를 여행하면 시야가 넓어진다고 했습니다만, 예시로는 그저 다양한 경험을 했다는 이야기만 풀어놓고 있고, 더
고급스러운 표현이나 구문이 포함되어 있었다면 좋았을 것 같습니다.
Moreover, valuable
experiences (acquired) by traveling to
foreign countries is are directly correlated to success in career. In
other words, in contrast to domestic trips, traveling to different countries
would allow us to gain priceless experiences through facing diverse
situations in new circumstances. Albert Einstein once said, "The only
source of knowledge is experience," and one of the best ways of obtaining
such valuable experiences is to traveling many kinds of countries. If we
can have a lot of experiences through traveling to foreign countries, we will
be able to expand the breadth of experiences while living and this will be a
great advantage when we get a job in society. This is because as modern
society is becoming increasingly specialized and competitive, today's job
markets require job candidates with unique experiences. According to the
Ministry of Labor of Korea in 2015, the job interview was the most important
component in hiring practice, taking up more than 70 percent of the final call.
The interviewers looked at the applicants' knowledge and skills mostly related
to their special experiences. This implies that having a wide range of unique
experiences by traveling many foreign countries is a secure way for people to
prepare for the future. ->experience가 job market에서 중요하다는 점은 알겠는데, 왜 중요한지까지 밝혀줘야하겠습니다. 줄 그은 문장들은 모두 결국
경험의 범위를 넓힐 수 있고, 이는 직업을 얻는 데에 도움이 된다-라고만
말하고 있어서 왜 직업을 얻는데에 도움이 되는지(interviewer들이 중시하기 때문이다-라면, 왜 중시하는지)를
설명해주세요
Taking all of these
things into account, I firmly disagree with the statement due to significance
of broadening one's perspective and helping us to succeed in the future. There
is no doubt in my mind that traveling to foreign countries will give more benefits for people's future.
Writing
0–30 score scale
Good (21-24)
사소한 부분들을 제외하고는 전반적으로 잘 쓰셨는데, 좀 더 고급 어휘들이 많이 사용되면 좋겠고, 에세이가 긴 만큼 시간내에
맞추어서 쓰시는 것이 중요하겠습니다. 위에서 언급했듯 같은 내용을 반복해서 설명하기 보다는, 내가 말하고자 하는 것이 왜, 어째서 그러한 이점을 갖고있는지에
대해 더 깊이 설명해주는 것이 좋겠습니다. 수고 많으셨습니다^^ |