▶ Your Answer :Some people think that it is useless for university to concentrate on preparing better jobs for students. However, I disagree with the above statement. On the other hand, I don't think that it is crucial factors for college to having these points. There are two reasons. First, it can help students to gain diverse knowledge. Second, it can help students save time. First of all, it (what is 'it' here; be specific) will provide students to a variety of knowledge. To be specific, I believe experience is one of the most essential factors of success in this society. Imagine people only having e textbook knowledge. There views will be so narrow. By preparing for jobs, they can not only gain diverse knowledge but also broaden their horizon of the world. For example, a survey was conducted by Department of business majors to determine whether preparing jobs could affect their success. There were two groups recorded. The first group was formed of people who were offered job preparation preparing job program from form their university. They were tracked over a 3 years by researchers. And latter group consisted of people who was not didn't offered a program such as job preparing program. The researchers recorded that the former group was able to succeed in success of their company and their fields. The reason was that jop preparing can help people accustomed to their job and improve their abilities. On top of that, it can help students help save time for searching their job. To explain, if you waste time for searching and improving ability to jobs, will time wait for you? The answer will be no! Enhancing your abilities is an old story. We live in a society of endless competition. Time is gold, since we cannot turn time back. Students must be offered opportunities from university. For instance, I have two friends. One is Jane and another is Paul. Jane was offered lots of chances to prepare for her future workplace preparing jobs program from university and Paul was not offered these opportunities. When they graduated from university, they had to find their job. Jane was good at searching jobs since she had already experienced. But Paul had a hard time to find infomation and enhance his ability to fit many jobs. He had to started from the beginning on his own one to ten. So Jane quickly had jobs. However, Paul took a long time. To sum up, university preparing job for students help students earn give lots of experiences. Moreover, it can help students reduce their time for searching jobs and enhancing their ability. In this regard, I firmly believe that university must do everything about preparing jobs for students.
Fair (17-23)
문법 실수 많으십니다. 빨갛게 바꾼 부분 연습해주세요. 서론에서 줄 친 부분, 의도하는 뜻은 알겠지만 텍스트로 써진 문장의 뜻이 모호합니다.
본문 시작에서 앞선 설명 없이 it같은 대명사 쓰는 것 지양해주세요. 첫문장은 특히 더 명확/자세하게 써주시는 것이 좋습니다.
preparing job보다는 job preparation program이 더 매끄러운 표현입니다.
두번째 본문에서, 질문, 느낌표, 지양해주세요.
또한, 내용적으로 Jane이 왜 더 competant 했는지, school job preparation program이 무엇을 제공했고 어떤 도움을 주었는지에 대해 더 상세히 써주셔야 글이 더 명확해집니다. 단순히 Jane은 받았고, Paul은 받지 않았다보다 더 설명을 해주세요.
had to 뒤에 현재 시제 입니다.
문법/어색한 표현/ 불필요한 내용이 많으시고 내용/이유/예시에서 충분히 설득력을 키우지 못하여, Fair 드립니다.
수고하셨습니다~ |