================================ ┼ ▨ #0144 또 다른 주제... 5점은 나올까요..? - sabrina(sasub@daum.net) ┼ │ 0144    (PR)    0116 Would you prefer to live in a traditional house or in a modern apartment building? Use specific reasons and details to support your choice │ │ │ Some people want to live in a traditional house. Others want to live in a modern apartment building.(이런식의 시작은 좋지 않다고 배웠어요) When it comes to my personality, I really like to do something in a big city. And a modern apartment building is only located in a large city.(문장시작에서 And 라니..좀 이상하네요..) As far as convenience and security are concerned, I prefer to live in modern apartment building to a traditional house. (agree/disagree나 preference essay 구조상 본론내용을 살짝 Thesis statement 로 언급해주시는것도 좋으실듯..^^) │ │ There are so many people who live in a modern apartment. A modern apartment give people some beneficial things. Of them, convenience is one of most important things in terms of a modern apartment. You don’t need to worry about a housing-related problems such as heat and water. (역시 문장앞에 And는 피해주시는게)And you don’t have to go a distance market in order to buy food or something. Because there are lots of market in the near your apartment. For example, several years ago, my cousin lived in a small town in which have not a modern apartment. Whenever he called on our house, he always complained about that he couldn’t buy some food or product easily. (여기서도여..)And some market is not located in his region. That’s why he have to go another place in a bid to buy his wants. Now he live in a modern apartment and he is really satisfied with his choice. │ │ Another beneficial thing is security. Nowadays, the crime rates is high. Sometimes you have to be careful about where you are going at night. And if you live a traditional house, you have to really worry about a thief or burglar. And you have to don’t go out at night in order to escape to a dangerous situation. For instance, There are so many accidents associated with house. A tradititonal house is more ease to open than a modern apartment building. That’s true. One of my friend who live in a traditional house have some bad experience. Some burglar broke into his house and threatened his family. His house was so old that a burglar could get into his house without any effort. That’s really terrible event. However, If you live in a modern apartment, you don’t have to worry about that. Because there are lots of security guide and they are responsibility for your house. │ │ Thanks to convenience and security, People want to live in a modern apartment building and both points are really important to us in the world. We really want to live in a convenient place and a safe place. A modern apartment building can afford us the chance to live in. │ │ ┼ ┼ 서론: 그런식의 시작은 좋지않다고 저는 배웠지만..괜찮은것 같네요..^^ 본론: 괜찮았어요..첫번째 본론에서 시장에서 가까운것 빼고 예를 하나 더들어주시는게 develop상 좋았을듯..^^ 두번째 본론 좋았구요.. 결론: 좋았어요.. 전체평가: 마침표 찍고 문장앞에다가 And 는 가급적 피해주세요. 좋지 않은 표현이라고 배웠어요. 구조 파학 하셨다고 에세이가 너무좋아지셨네요..어휘력, 표현력은 원래 좋으셨고..왜 다른분들이 에세이를 많이들 본론 두개만 쓰시는지 아시겠죠? 에세이는 organizing 하고 developing 을 얼마나 잘했냐에서 점수가 가장 따라와여..문법은 정말 많이 틀려도 점수 깍여바야 0.5점? 왠만해서 안깍임. 심한경우에는 본론만 develop 정말 잘하고 결론을 아예 안써도 5.0 나오는 경우있음..4.0을 넘기는데 필요하는건 organizing 하고 본론 developing 이구요 그이상은 다양한 어휘력, 그리고 문법이 좀 심하게 틀리면 0.5점 정도 깍인다고 들었구여..5.0이상나오는데 필요한건 다양한 표현력이죠. 가장안좋은건 off topic 하는게..그건 정말..점수 많이깍여여..3점때 나와여.. 이정도 에세이면..4.0~4.5 정도 나오실듯..