▶ Your Answer :
Some people think that it is better to spend money to enjoy the moment when they are paid. However, in my opinion, saving money for the future is the wiser choice since people can prepare the future and spend when they want to. To begin with, saving money enables people to prepare for a rainy day. Unexpected events always happen in the life, and people may well face a problem. When it comes to the financial problem, people might have a harder time to overcome than other problems as it significantly affects people’s daily life. As a result of keeping money for the future, people can save themselves from being stuck in a financial predicament. For instance, a report conducted by Havard business school has shown that savings has correlation with preparing the future. Savings ensure ing people to deal with the lack in the money, and allow people to cope with the problem of financial resources, which will occur in the unknown future, with less difficulty than spending money for the moment, On top of that, people can afford to do what they want. Saving money enriches the financial states in the future. Consequently, people have a chance to spend money on for which they crave. For example, my friend used to waste his allowance on treating his friends right after his mom had given him. One day, he discontinued squandering his money and started to amass money for the purpose of buying new shoes. Awkward though it seemed to us, he did not spend any money for a month. In the end, he bought what he had longed for, which and he appeared the most delightful ever I have met him. To sum up, saving money keeps people from falling in a financial plight and allows them to spend on what could give them the greatest joy when they meet things that they like. In this regard, I firmly believe that people would rather save money for the coming time than spend for the present.
Fair/Good (22-24)
첫번재 본문 내용 괜찮습니다. 예시에서 그냥 correlation보다는 high correlation으로 하시면 좀더 설득력이 높아집니다. 또한, 본문 마지막 문장이 불필요하게 깁닌다. 따라서, 문장의 명확성이 떨어지고 내용이 모호해집니다. 너무 긴 문장은 쪼개주시면 더 의미 전달이 잘됩니다.
두번째 본문은, 조금 약한 예시입니다. 좀더 설득력있는/객관적인 예시를 들면 좋습니다. 첫번재 본문과 같이, 수사구문이 많고 문장이 길어집니다. 불필요한 설명은 자르고 좀더 주장과 내용에 맞는 설명을 더 넣어주세요.
전체적으로 문법실수/ 어색한 표현 많습니다. 정확하지 않은 표현은 풀어서 쓰거나, 본인이 확실히 아는 표현을 쓰는 것이 좋습니다.
수고하셨습니다~ |