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┼ ▨ 자녀의집안일돕기인데요.. 평가좀 부탁드려요.. - 에세이좀.. ┼
│ 첨올리는거라서.. 그리고 에세이가 가장 쥐약이라서.. 정말 힘이 드네요..ㅠㅠ
│ 정말 에세이가 하나도 안늘어서 걱정인데 여기 고수분들한테 도움좀 받고 싶어서 올렸어요..
│ 첨삭까지 해 주시면 정말 ㄳ.. 주제는 자녀의 집안인돕기입니다..
│ 저두 허접하나 나름대로 교정을 해보겠습니다 ^^*
│ In development of industry, nuclear families are increasing. Result of that, some people think that children should be required to help (with) household tasks as soon as they are able to do so while others insist to leave children freely. In my opinion, I agree with the statement because I think it is important for children to help household tasks in respect of developing their responsibilitei and making them recognize their parent's hard works. --단지 good or bad 하다는 식의 말은 좋지않을듯..
│ First of all, children learn responsibility by helping household tasks. When parent gives thing to do to children, children become to know that they are responsible for the given tasks. In this reason, they become more and more responsible by helping housework continuously. For example, I have a cousin who is very mischievous. However, since he started to help his parent with household tasks, he became less mischievous and a responsible boy. Thus I think it is good for them to develop responsibililty by helping their parents. --- college level정도의 essay를 쓰시려면 so, but, because, nor, and, or로 문장을 시작하면 안됩니다.
│ Second, by helping work, children can recognize their parent's hardworking. Because household tasks are not just easy, children will appreciate their parents by feeling hardworking. For instant, I'm a not good helper to my mother. (Anyway), One day, I helped my mother to clean the house and I felt very tired. After that, I became love my mother more. In this manner, children will thank to their parents by helping the houseworks.
----become은 부정사와 같이 쓰이지않습니다.
│ In conclusion, children should be required to help household tasks to develop their responsibility and appreciate their parents by experiencing hardworking. Both two qualities are necessary for children. In these reason, I perfectly agree with the statement and recommend it.
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I would give you a 3.5 on this essay.