▶ Your Answer : Some people may think that parents should adapt strict rules for children when they wish to see them succeed in life. However, I think that it would not let them succeed in life, when parents set stringent rules for children. This is because it can make children vulnerable to stress, and can ruin creativity of children.
To begin with, children can be vulnerable to stress due to the strict rules of their parents. Keeping stringent rules and being forced to observe them can give students a lot of stress. If this situation lasts lasted for long time, the children might not be able to withstand against a lot of stress. (단순 상황가정이니까 가정법과거를 쓰지 않아도 될 것 같아요) According to a research conducted by the University of California, more than 80% of children who attended elementary schools in California became weak weaken to stress and could not easily endure it, after being forced to keep strict rules over three months. It showed that they became increasingly more susceptible to stress when they were in same stressful situations. 스트레스와 성공이 무슨 관련이 있는지도 같이 연관지어서 설명해주세요.
On top of that, forcing strict rules to children can be harmful in terms of their creativity. Today creativity is the key to succeed. The iPhone and other technologies made by combining techniques from different fields can show us this trend. Most creativity comes from when one is in relatively free atmosphere and comfortable physical and psychological states. Google and other big companies which put much stress on creativity, for example, have has made relatively free surroundings to work in their work places. Employees of those companies can do anything in their working hours, such as taking a nap or playing sports. 창의력이랑 관련된 내용이라는 점을 명확히 해주는 게 좋아요. However, if children were being forced to observe strict rules, they would be stuck in rules and would not think anything to go out from them. it. According to a research conducted by the University of Texas, more than 70% of children who were forced to be stuck in stringent rules by parents showed less creative ability. When they were given some mathematic questions to solve, they did not show any creative methods to solve it straying from what they learned at schools. In contrast, children who had not been forced to observe strict rules solved the questions with relatively much creative methods. This can indicate imposing strict rules to children can ruin their creativity.
To sum up, forcing strict rules to children can make them prone weaken to stress, and can ruin their creative skills. For these reasons, I disagree with the statement that if parents wish to see their children to succeed in life, they should set strict rules for them.
Writing 0–30 score scale Limited (1-16) Fair (17-23) Good (24–30) ✓
스트레스나 창의력 면에서 내용을 풀어내신 점이 좋았어요. 스트레스 관련 문단의 경우 성공과 어떤 관련이 있는지가 더 잘 드러나면 좋을 것 같아요. 두 본론의 분량 차이가 좀 있으니까 비슷하게 분량을 맞춰주시는 게 좋아요. 조금만 더 보강해도 훨씬 좋은 글이 될 거예요~ 수고하셨습니다~!
|