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Traditionally, many people argued that it is much better way to work at a profession someone truly enjoy to get happiness rather than to work at one that pays well. However, in this money-driven society, having a job which gives high salary does not only means sufficient amount of money itself it self, but plenty amount of happiness. Therefore, I firmly believe it is more important to having a job which pays well because of simple but logical reasons.
Firstly, mental fitness comes from physical well-being. This is mainly because money has so much power in our era. We could buy our favorite things affecting mental fitness and happiness such as a signed copy of your favorite writer, limited edition of figure <- '피규어'를 나타내는 말이면 model figure라고 많이 쓰는 것 같아요~ and even a prestigious car. In this aspect, low salary could really cause depression. The shining example of this is my cousin. He worked for a company which gave him relatively low wage concerning compared with complexity of his work for 7 years. During that period, whenever I met him, he always seemed really depressed and unhappy because he could not meet met costs of living such as fees for his children’s education, money for food and indispensable insurance fees. However, after he got a new job which paid him well, he recovered relaxed mind and happy face because he could take care of his family and himself mentally and physically. This indicates the amounts of money really affect one’s mental fitness and happiness.
Secondly, low income has bad effects on one’s physical health. There is no need for one to being a genius to understand that someone who has insufficient income has low possibility to live well. This is because in this industrialized society, almost every resources including food and water, which were prerequisite options for surviving, requires money to get them. A recent study conducted by Harvard has confirmed this. According to the study, among two subject groups, the people in Group A who have has insufficient income showed higher physical age than their actual one, while the people in Group B who have has sufficient income showed lower physical age than actual one. The main contributing factor to this difference between the two groups is their disparity to amount of income. The low income made makes people limit their expenditures for eating and visiting hospital which seriously damaged their health. Interestingly, researchers also found the people in Group A get diseases like flu much more easily than people in Group B. This indicates that insufficient wage can cause serious health problem to people.
To summarize what I mentioned above, it is more important to choose a job which pays you well rather than a job which gives low income because of mental fitness derived from sufficient income and physical health problem caused by low income.
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돈을 많이 주는 직장의 장점만 다루기보다는 '좋아하는 일을 하는 것보다는 돈을 많이 버는 일을 하는 게 낫다'라는 입장을 전체적으로 cover할 수 있도록 내용을 전개하는 게 점수를 더 잘 받을 수 있어요. 각 본론에서 제시한 주장은 돈을 적게 벌면 안 좋은 점이니까 '즐길 수 있는 일'과 '돈을 잘 버는 것'의 비교에 대한 답변으로 쓰기는 조금 과장되어 있다는 느낌이 들 수 있어요. 특히 생계유지나 건강관리는 돈이 '많아야만' 가능한 게 아니라 어느 정도 벌면 본인이 투자할 수 있는 부분이기 때문에 '돈을 많이 주는 직장이 좋은 점'이 아니라 '돈을 벌어야 하는 이유' 정도에 가까워요. 돈을 많이 버는 직장이 더 좋은 점으로 연결되려면 '돈이 없으면 건강이 안 좋아져서'보다는 '돈이 많아야 삶의 질이 높아지니까 / 돈을 많이 벌면 더 나은 건강상태를 유지해서 오래 살 수 있으므로'하는 식으로 장점 위주로 푸는 편이 나을 것 같은데, 이 부분 생각해보시면 좋을 것 같아요. 전반적인 구성이나 문장구사는 대체로 좋았어요. 수고하셨습니다~! |