▶ Your Answer :
Some people think that the young should have the same job with their parents. However, I think young people have to choose other jobs because they can experience wider worlds (thesis seems too broad, make it specific) and gain various knowledge. First, the young can go through a variety of these worlds by considering which job to select. I think experience is one of the essential factors of success in these world. Imagine people only follow their parents' job, their views will be so narrow. (Views of what?) By chasing after dreams with no boundaries and challenging oneself continuously, people can not only gain a variety of experience but and also broaden their horizon of the world. Take the example of Yuna Kim, a famous figure skater, as an example,According to her autobiography I read a month ago, her father recommended her to have the same job with him, the doctor when she was young (or mention a certain age). However, she did not like to follow her father's career, and the suggestion and went to the USA to see and learn wider worlds, instead. There, she accidentally saw the performance of the most famous figure skater, lingered in her mind for a long time. (State further story like from that time she want to become a figure skating athlete) and was moved by her. That experience accounts for her success these days. If it were not for her own decision to do not follow her father's job, she would not be one of the most venerable skaters in the world. Second, by trying to find favorite job, people can get a lot of knowledge. In this cut-throat competitive society, one must carry out various tasks. In other worlds, people must have a wide variety of knowledge rather than deep knowledge on one specific field. By finding one's favorable job, they can come true this. (What does it mean?) For example, a study was conducted by the Seoul National University to determine whether jobs affect the amount of various knowledge. (Make the meaning clear) One group was formed of people who chose the same job with their parents and the other group consisted of people who selected their favorite job. What the researchers found was intriguing. The group who was working in their favorite work site had much more variety of knowledge than the others. This was because they tried to find what they mostly do well and like over many years. (Suggested evidence is not convincing) To sum up, taking a lot of experience and useful knowledge they get into consideration, I strongly believe that people should not just follow their parents' job.
채점기준표 | Grammar | Contents | Example | Coherence | 점수 | 2 | 3 | 2 | 3 | Score | Fair 17-19 | - 어휘나 문장의 잘못된 표현들이 종종 보입니다. - 첫 번째 예시에서는 추가적인 스토리텔링이 더 필요해 보입니다. - 두 번째 내용은 의미가 불분명한 문장이 많고, 제시된 근거가 미흡합니다. |
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