I will set “maintaining a healthy diet” for as
the goal for the New Year.
First of all, eating a healthy diet allows me to maintain physical health.
Healthy diet provides my bodies body with
essential nutrients which are important in physical metabolism. Intake of
essential nutrients stimulate the production of white blood cells in the body. An increase in white blood cells is likely
to strengthen the physical immune system. For
example, according to a recent study conducted
by the World Health Organization (WHO) in 2008 (2008년이 ‘recent’한지 고려해보시는 게 좋을 것 같아요.), a huge difference was reported between two groups of
young adults; one consisted of young adults who ate vegetable and grain, the
other was made up of those who ate instant food. Many researchers found that
the former is likely to have a higher resistance to the disease (the disease? 어떤 질병을 말씀하시는 거죠?) than the latter. Research
reported that in particular, the first showed a normal body weight without
severe diseases. On the other hand, the second
was likely to have be overweight with
severe adult disease, such as hypertension, diabetes mellitus and fatty liver.
This implies that a healthy diet helps people to
maintain physical health as a in good
condition.
Second, eating a healthy diet enables me to keep psychological
health. Healthy foods supply sufficient nutrition to the brain. This tends to
prevents me from having psychological diseases. For instance, when I was a high
school students, I was fascinated by the delicious
taste of instant food. I ate instant food every
day. Someday, I started to feel anxiety and even delusion. So I visited the
hospital and got examined psychologically. The doctor said that the instant
foods I had eaten were the cause of the psychological
symptoms. Because there were not enough nutrition in the instant foods, my brain was in the temporary nutrition deficiency
states. The doctor prescribed a healthy
diet as therapy. Surprisingly after sticking to the healthy diet, my
psychological symptoms was were relieved. This example shows that a healthy diet plays a crucial role in keeping mental
health.
All
things considered, I will set maintaining a healthy
diet for New Year as my goal for the reasons I
mentioned above.
Writing 0-30 Score Scale
Fair (17-23)
Overall Comment:
전반적으로 포인트도 잘 잡아주셨고 글의 흐름도 좋습니다. 하지만
문법 실수가 잦으셔서 글을 읽을 때 살짝 독자들에게 불편함을 안겨주는 것 같습니다. 수의 일치 및 문법
실수만 고치시면 더 좋은 글을 쓰실 수 있을 것 같습니다.