▶ Your Answer :
Some
people might say that books enable us to have a plethora of knowledges.
Overall, it is ture true. However, I think knowledges gain from other environment such
as Watching TV, Inthernet, experience from outside (무슨 뜻이죠? 티비 시청, 인터넷 및 밖에서 실제로 경험하는 게 더 좋다는 걸 말하고 싶은 건가요? 그렇다면 I think knowledge gained from
other factors, such as watching TV, the Internet, and real experience outside
are better, 이 맞습니다). In my opinion, knowledge from experience is more
important. (무엇보다 더 중요하다는 거죠?) I will explain the reasons.
To
begin with, in general, many people are not interested in books. It was important to get knowledge from books during my
parents’ generation was important to get
knowledges from books because at that time, a lot of things are were not developed. However, nowadays, everythings has been chaging changed. If thet they
get knowledges from books, they will not adapt to
the modern society. (근거가 뭐죠?) These days, interacting is extremely important to servive survive in the future. (책에서 정보를 얻으면 사회에서 적응하기 어렵다는 말 다음에 갑자기 interacting이 미래에 살아남으려면 중요하다, 이런 결론이 어떻게 나온거죠?)
Second,
experience from outside is not only to broadren their perspective, but also
it can get a great deal of knowledges outside experience
does not only broaden people’s perspectives, but also can grant them a great deal
of knowledge. One of my friends is intelligent. He attend top of
university in South Korea. He told me he bacame to be smart becase of his many
experience that is real life and from divers people. (너무 기초적인 문장구조입니다. 차라리 두, 세 번째 문장들이랑 합쳐주세요. = One my friends, an attendee in a top
university in South Korea, has told me that he became smart due to the various
real life experiences with diverse people.).
In conclusion, knowledges
comes from our experiences. Thus, we do not have
to dedicate at to books.
Writing
0-30 Score Scale |
Limited (0-16) |
Score |
3 |
Overall
Comment: |
전체적으로 문법 오류가 너무
많습니다. 기본적인 문법 연습부터 하시는 걸 추천 드립니다. 근거가 없는 주장들만 너무 늘어놓으셨어요. 설문조사나, 친구의 경험, 이런
것들을 예시로 쓰셔야 설득력이 생깁니다. 논리적으로도 앞 뒤가 맞지 않는 문장들만 너무 나열하셨습니다. |
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