There is a famous Chinese children's novel which deals with conflicts within a drama. The story shows the process of children getting in and out of the group. The story ends with the drama club's leader deciding to abandon this drama club and creates a new club with cooperation. The story can be extended to companies which hire and fire workers at anytime for any reason. As this story shows, businesses should hire employees for their entire lives.
(서론에 짧게 설명한 것만으로는 어떻게 글쓴이가 주장하는 바를 ‘as the shows’라고 말할 수 있는지 충분히 드러나지가 않습니다. 서론에서 이렇게 잠깐 언급하고 넘어가기엔 너무 큰 이야기 같습니다.)
To start with, workers would be experts on their work if they are hired longer. To illustrate, every worker has what they can do best and this cannot be found on in a short time term working. Some employees are good at creative working while others are good at paperworks. While working for their entire lives, workers would find the work that they fit in the best and the work that they enjoy doing. While working for the specific task that they like, workers would do their best and this would elevate the efficiency of work. Also as workers who work longer know their company better the best after some time has passed, such workers would make choices that would be best better for the company. For instance, Steve Jobs, the previous CEO (약어를 쓸 때에는 먼저 한 번은 풀어서 써야 합니다.) of Apple said in one of his interviews that firing a person because that employee is not doing well is not a good choice. There's more to him or her in that He said that every person has potentials, and people need time to develop their potential it. Therefore, businesses should hire employees for their entire life as this can develop employees' their potentials.
In addition to this, employees would feel safe at work if they are guaranteed with employment. To be specific, employees would feel that the company is theirs and feel responsibility 'my company'. Most employees nowadays do works to not get fired. They do only as much as what the head their boss tells them to do and they do not do more than that because they are afraid of making mistakes and getting fired. However, when employees are ensured of employment for the rest of their lives, employees would do more than they are ordered. They would find what would improve the company. There are situations where the company needs to take risk and to make their employees would be willing to take risks to develop the company. A survey done by the Department of Psychology of Yale University, department of psychology in 2004 shows that employees who feel safe at work are willing to do more than they are ordered and shows high achievement rate. In this aspect, businesses should hire employees for the entire life to help make employees feel safe at work which would boost the efficiency of work. (근거나 설명이 필요합니다. improvement에는 도전이 필요하다, 도전적인 것을 하려면 실패를 두려워하지 않아야 한다, 그러려면 고용이 보장되어야 한다? 이런 식으로요. 맥락은 잡히는데 구체적인 논리가 살짝 부족해보입니다.)
In conclusion, it is good for the businesses to hire employees for the rest of their life to develop employees' potential and give comfort to the employees.
(두 번째 point의 요약이 좀 어긋납니다. 글쓴이가 주장한대로라면, 기업이 그렇게 해야되는 이유는 ‘to give comfort'가 아니라 그 comfort를 통해서 직원들에게 바라는게 있기 때문이었죠? 그리고 한 문장짜리 결론은 좀 부족해보일 수 있습니다. 똑같은 말을 하더라도 여러 문장에 걸쳐서 좀 더 충실하게 써보세요.)
Writing 0-30 scale
Fair (21-25)
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