There might be some people who believe that the most important thing to improve health is the kinds of food and the amount of stress. People of various ages and from different walks of life may take diverse positions on this controversial issue. We cannot deny the fact that health plays an important role in our lives. (아무 의미 없이 불필요한 문장) However, I strongly contend with the idea that the most important factor to improve my health is the amount of exercise for two subsequence reasons: I enhance not only sociability but also health and relieve stress by doing exercise.
To begin with, there are thing that people can benefits from exercise. Admittedly, this is because modern society requires people who are not only healthy in their life but also the skilled in social integration. In this rapidly changing environment, no task can be done by a single person. Given the need for collaboration and health, social skills and team spirits are necessary qualifications for any successful person. Clearly, exercise provides people the perfect settings to practice their social skills and health (practice라는 동사와 어울리지 않는 목적어). By playing soccer, for example, people can even develop a sense of belonging and unity, both of which may prove to be vital in building a more promising future. Thus, the amount of exercise makes me increase sociability and health sociable and healthy.
In addition, people can find emotional relief by exercise because it is effective for boosting people’s moods. Today, many people are weary with too much stress. By exercise, however, they can temporarily forget about their problems and gain some breathing space. My personal experience can be used to prove this point. Every morning, I have to get through a traffic congestion and read through countless books. To make matters worse, I get exhausted coping with my subordinates peers and teacher. (‘부하와 선생님’은 같은 맥락에서 나오기엔 부적절하게 들립니다.) Therefore, as a way to relieve my stress, I get do a lot of exercise. Even if it is only for a short period of time, my feelings become relaxed, and I am no longer thinking about the demanding requests at school. Indeed, during this brief period of enjoyment, I am able to alleviate tension and better prepare myself for the upcoming days.
To sum up, I believe my explanations sufficiently prove the advantages of the amount work out. Obviously, the significance of increasing sociability as well as reducing stress cannot be overemphasized enough. Hence, in order for people to acquire these benefits, getting a lot of workout undoubtedly is a better decision.
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두 point가 모두 off-topic입니다. 문제는 “건강을 위해서 셋 중 무엇이 가장 중요한가?”인데 ‘운동을 하면 사회성이 좋아진다, 운동을 하면 기분이 풀린다’는 전혀 맞지 않습니다. 이 point들을 유지하면서 글을 쓰기 위해서는 거기에 덧붙여 ‘사회성이 좋으면/스트레스를 덜 받으면 건강에도 좋다’까지 연결을 시키거나, 아예 다른 (‘건강’에 집중하는) 근거를 제시했어야 합니다.