Opinions differ over whether the most important condition for a job is having vacation time or not. (주어진 주제는 ‘vacation time이 중요하냐 아니냐’가 아니라 ‘salary와 vacation time 중 무엇이 중요하냐’는 것입니다.) Regarding this issue, I believe that having more vacation time with low salary is better than high salary with less vacation time. There are numerous reasons that could defend my position but two compelling reasons will be explained in more detail in the following.
To begin with, the most crucial point that should be brought up is broadening experience. To be specific, having vacation time creates opportunities for people to get new experience. During vacation time, people can travel or meet people, which as a result allow people to gain unique experience and thinking. The opposition asserts that earning high salary is better than having more vacation time. However, their idea does not reflect on my position. As a matter of fact, a lot of evidence indicates that their argument has no credibility. (어떤 주장이 있고 그것이 어떤 면에서 no credibility인지 설명해주지 않는다면 있으나마나 한 문장들.) For example, my personal experience illustrates why vacation time is more helpful than high salary. When I was in my first company, I had passion for work but I couldn’t could not make a creative project because I didn’t did not have much experience. However, I started to make a new project after traveling during my vacation time. I went to the countryside or foreign countries and talked with people who lived in there. It was big help to me since my project was about making products for people. Through this experience, I realized that it is beneficial for people to experience something new continually. Therefore, it is obvious that having vacation time is essential for people. (이렇게 해서 성공하는 것이 그냥 salary만 높은 것과 어떤 차이가 있는지까지 설명해주면 좋겠네요.)
On top of that, it is important to think about improving the quality of life. Beyond my experience, a research result substantiates my perspective. Recently, Harvard University conducted a survey of 10,000 people who had job with less salary throughout the country. The result of the survey made fascinating reading because it supported my position. More than 80 percent of people responded that having vacation time helped them to relieve stress and improve the quality of life. In order words, about 80 percent of worker considered having vacation time and relieving stress as the most preferred way of improving the quality of life. It would not be an overstatement to say that people set the quality of life above everything else. Hence, this proves that having more vacation time is beneficial for people. (반대로 high salary-less vacation time인 사람은 삶의 질이 낮나요? 그것까지 설명이 되어야 완성되는 논리입니다.)
All things considered, it is my belief that my argument regarding this topic has been effectively and precisely delivered with the reasons mentions above.
(주장이 무엇인지? “consider”한 “all thing”이 무엇인지? 제대로 밝혀주세요. 지금 이 결론은 아무런 내용이 없습니다.)
Writing 0-30 scale
Fair (19-20)
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TOEFL 글쓰기는 academic writing skill을 평가하는 시험입니다. 따라서 축약형 등 비격식체와 구어체를 피하고 정확한 영어를 사용해야 합니다.
각 문단별로 논리가 충분하지가 않습니다. 외운 문장을 그대로 쓰는 것에 그치지 말고, ‘이 문단이 주장(low salary&more vacation이 더 좋다)를 충분히 뒷받침하는 근거인지’를 생각해보세요. TOEFL 독립형 글쓰기는 영어 능력뿐만 아니라 주장을 논리적으로 전개하는 능력을 평가합니다.