▶ Your Answer :
There might be some people who believe that
young adults are not primarily influenced by their friends. However, I
personally disagree with the above idea for two subsequent reasons. First,
friends will motivate and stimulate young adults. Second, friends are in the
same situation with them so they can be influential.
First of all, young adults can be motivated
by their friends to do their work better. This is because the young adults usually
want to show off their achievement. When their friends improve academic
achievement, they feel competitive spirit so they will do their study hard to
do better than friends. 성과를 과시하고 싶어하는 것과 상대방보다 더 잘하고 싶어하는 것은 연관성이 떨어지는 것 같아요. 자랑하고 싶어서 친구보다 더 잘 하려고 한다는 연결보다는 그냥 young adults일 때는 뒤처지는 것에 대한 두려움이 크다거나 비슷한 나이대에게 경쟁심을 더 많이 느끼기 때문에 친구가 잘하는 것이 자극이 되고 동기유발이 된다는 식으로 서술해도 자연스러울 것 같아요. According to a study done by the Korea Ttimes, 80% of high
school students said that when their friends are good at their academic performance, they
envy their friends. This is because students are likely to show off themselves. '친구들이 자랑하는 경향이 있어서 부러워한다'라는 연결도 좀 어색할 수 있을 것 같아요. Also, they added that their friends’ knowledge and ability can motivate and
affect them so they can do everything diligently. The result shows that friends
are the most important effect on the young in terms of motivation.
On top of that, young adults are in the
same circumstance with their friends so friends are most influential. To be
specific, they are so busy with their schoolwork that they should spend most of
their time in school with friends. However, because their parents or teachers
are not in the situation, they cannot understand and give appropriate
assistance to young adults. 비슷한 상황에 있다는 것이 '어떤' 영향을 '어떻게 크게' 주는지 명확히 써 주세요. 영향력에 대한 내용이기 때문에 어른들은 적절한 조언을 해주지 못한다는 내용은 여기서 관련성이 떨어집니다. Let me bring up my personal story as an example.
When I was in middle school, I had a difficulty making new friends. I went to
my teacher in purpose of receiving good advice, but his advice was useless. As
time went by, my friend named Kkevin said that ‘when I had a problem you had, I
joined a club and made new friends easily’. After that, I joined a club and
made a lot of friends. Without Kkevin’s solution to the problem, I would not have made make good friends.
In conclusion, friends can motivate the
young better than others. Not only that, they are in the same situation so they
can form a bond of sympathy. 단순히 공감대를 형성한다는 것은 '영향력'과는 관련이 없어요. 내용을 더 구체적으로 서술해주세요. For these reasons, friends have are the most
significant impact on young adults.
Writing 0–30 score scale Limited (1-16) Fair (17-23) Good (24–30) ✓
또래 친구들이 동기유발에 더 큰 영향력을 가지고 있고 조언 면에서도 더 큰 영향을 행사한다는 내용이 좋았어요. 이 내용을 설명할 때 연결고리로 활용되는 내용이 좀 더 논리적으로 매끄러우면 좋을 것 같아요. young adults는 자랑하기를 좋아해서 친구보다 더 잘하고 싶어한다는 설명은 조금 어색하게 받아들여질 수 있어요. 또래가 공감대를 잘 형성하는 것이 '왜' 더 큰 영향력을 미치게 되는지도 더 논리적으로 설명해보시면 좋을 것 같아요. 본론2의 주장도 비슷한 처지에서 이해를 잘 해주기 때문에 친구에게 더 의지하고 친구의 조언을 받아들이는 경우가 더 많다는 식으로 풀어보면 좀 더 쉬울 것 같아요. 수고하셨습니다~! |