▶ Your Answer : Some people might say that people do not have to attend college or university. However, I think people should attend university because it became a basic education that everyone gets, and many people care of their financial security. I will explain reasons.
To begin with, one of the most important goals to achieve for many people is that they want to achieve financial security. Although people who have only a high school diploma can be hired, it is very hard for them to earn higher salary due to their lack of in-depth education. Moreover, a university graduate can be employed at just only basic companies. Therefore, many university graduates have difficult time to get a good occupation in modern society. (주제와 전혀 상관 없는 문장입니다)
Second, college or university life enable to us broaden our perspectives. There are a lot of people who are from diverse area. Therefore, we can interact with other people. It makes us have many experiences. When I was a high school student before I attend university, I had a hard time considering whether I should go to university or not. I finally determined to attend university. My campus life changed my whole life because I had a lot of unforgotten experiences from university. Thereby, I could get my real dream to become an artist(아티스트랑 대학에서 다양한 경험을 하는 것과의 상관관계가 없으며 다양한 활동의 구체적인 설명도 없습니다 - 동아리 / 학회 / 스포츠모임 등).
In conclusion, people should attend university or college. It dose not only enable us to change our lives but also can achieve financial security. (결론의 내용이 매우 부족합니다. 본문 요약 및 주제에 대한 앞으로의 미래 등을 덧붙여 결론을 풍부하게 (3~4줄) 작성해주세요.)
Writing 0–30 score scale: Limited (1-16) / Fair (17-23) / Good (24–30)
ADDRESSING TOPIC
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ORGANIZATION
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PROGRESSION AND COHERENCE
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LANGUAGE USE
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GRAMMAR
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FAIR
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FAIR
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LIMITED
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FAIR
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FAIR
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각 카테고리별 SCORE: LIMITED / FAIR / GOOD
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