I agree with the statement that it is necessary for companies to invest more money on improving their employee’s job skills. (한 문장으로 끝나는 서론은 좀 부족합니다.)
The investment in the employee’s job skills contributes to success of the company. The Big investment in the employee's job skills enables employees to improve their work performance. The improvement of employee’s work performance increase the overall productivity of the companies. For example, according to a study conducted by World Employee Association (WEA), a big difference was shown between two groups of employees. One consisted of employees who attended a program which improved the employee’s job skills, while the other was made up of those who worked without a specific such program. Many Researchers found that the former was likely to outperform than the latter. In particular, the research reported that the first group showed a higher accuracy in their work results and completed their work more quickly than the second group. This implies that investing in employee’s job skills is a key to success of the company.
Second, investing in employee’s job skills allows employees to have loyalty for the company. Investment in the job skills makes employees feel that they are respected from the employer and are developing in their career. When this these feelings are formed, this they contributes to the success of the company. For example, when my sister was in the a small company, she had a hard time feeling depression. She though that after she entered the company, she had no opportunity to develop her own ability in her career. In order to overcome the depression, she quit the small company and entered a more bigger company which was full of various (full of와 의미가 겹침) programs to improve employee’s job skills. Fortunately, thanks to the new company’s various programs, she learned advanced knowledge related to her job and recovered her confidence in her work. Furthermore, she had developed a strong passionate on her job and company. This example shows that advanced programs related to to improve employee’s job skills allows employees to have a strong affection on their company.
As I mentioned above, I agree with the statement for the reasons I mentioned above. (아무런 내용이 없는 결론입니다. 적어도 글쓴이의 주장이 무엇인지는 결론에서 다시 밝히고 강조가 되어야합니다. 그 이유를 간단하게 한 문장씩 정리해주면 더욱 좋습니다.)
Writing 0-30 scale
Fair (21-22)
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