▶ Your Answer :
People these days have a smaller type of family that is mostly
consisted of parents and themselves. Also, people do not meet their cousins
as people did in the past. Because of these, I agree with the topic that the extended family is less important now than it was in the past for the two following reasons. --> Intro에서 주장을 소개하기 이전 elaborate을 어느 정도 하는 것이 좋으므로 sentence order를 바꾸었습니다.
First
of all, today’s family has less family members than before. As the time went
by, people prefer having a compacted family. For example, in 1950s,
they usually had a large family due to their cultural environment. At that
time, people cultivated a lot and that was their main task for the family. Thus,
the work would have been easier with a number of family members to help.
However, these days, the population of cultivation has severely decreased
because of modernization. This is why people these days do not need to have the
extended family. --> 단순히 그 수가 줄어들어서 중요성이 줄었다기보단 사회에서 중요시되는 가치들이 변화하며 대가족의 의미 또한 퇴색되었다는 방향을 고려하여 내용을 재구성해주세요.
Second
of all, unlike people in the past, people nowadays do not meet their relatives
often. This is because people these days are busier than those in the past.
According to my father, he used to meet his relatives frequently. Even though
he had a job, he had more time to spend with his family, so he went to visit his
large family quite often. However, people these days are busier than people in
the past, so they only want to focus on kids or parents of their own. --> "대가족"이 덜 중요한 이유 (예 - 각자 개인의 삶이 중요해지고 현대인의 삶이 다양한 활동으로 가득하게 되면서 가족 중심의 이벤트들이 줄어들었다 등) 왜 덜 만나게 되었는지에 대한 부연 설명을 추가해주세요.
In
conclusion, people nowadays tend to regard the extensive family as a less
important fact than it was before. They do not only have a dense family but
also have limited free time to meet relatives. Thus, the extended family is no
longer much important than it was in the past. For these reasons, I agree with
the matter that the extensive family is not as important as it was in the past.
--> 주제에 대한 입장은 제시했으나 이를 지지하는 과정에서 주제를 다시 한 번 읽고 각 이유를 좀 더 논리적으로 설명해주는 부연 설명을 추가해주세요.
Writing 0–30 score scale: Limited (1-16) / Fair (17-23) / Good (24–30)
ADDRESSING TOPIC
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ORGANIZATION
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PROGRESSION AND COHERENCE
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LANGUAGE USE
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GRAMMAR
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FAIR
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LIMITED
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LIMITED
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FAIR
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FAIR
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각 카테고리별 SCORE: LIMITED / FAIR / GOOD
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