▶ Your Answer :
Some people think that a government should have more money for a park (의미가 완전히 다릅니다, spend more money on parks than libraries로 써주셔야 해요. 이 문장은 지금 공원을 위해 돈을 더 많이 써야한다로 해석이 되기 때문에 주제와 관련이 아예 없습니다). They may think that a park is more helpful (공원이 helpful 하다는 표현은 어색한 것 같습니다. is better등과 같은 표현으로 대체해주세요) for people than a library. However, in my opinion, a government should have a more budget to develop a local library than a local park. This is because a library is very helpful good for students and older people. To begin with, a library is very beneficial for students. Students usually go to the library and search for resources to study effectively. Therefore, a developed well-managed library can make them more effective by providing updated resources and students can save their time. Let me take my experience as an example. When I was in highschool, I lived in a rural area. There was an old library in my town. Therefore I could not find enough materials for my study and I had to spend a lot of time on my paper. One day, I moved to a big city and I was able to use a newest library. There were a bunch of books and resources for students and they helped me finish my assignments easily. On top of that, a library is helpful for older people. Generally, the older are enough to play physical activities (어색한 문장입니다). That is why many older people go to the library to enjoy their pastime to read many materials. Therefore if there is a well-developed library, they can enjoy their pastime in there easily. For example, my older uncle liked many activities. He enjoyed hiking, fishing, and playing soccer. However, in recently, he could not go out to enjoy his physical activities because they became physical burdens for him he was old to have enough abilities to enjoy his activities. Thus, he found a new hobby, as reading books a book. He said that his town’s library was a good place to read books and made him comfortable. He also said many older people including him were satisfied to go to library to spend their time. This story showed shows that a library is an important place for the elderly older. To sum up, I think that a government should have more budget for spend more on improving library libraries than parks. This is due to the fact that the library can give many benefits to older people and students.
Score: Limited (1-16), Fair (17-23), Good (24–30) Comments: - 제시하신 이유들이 모두 설득력 있고 예시가 적절합니다. - 문법 실수들이 있습니다. - 어색한 표현들이 있습니다. - 전체적으로 문장들이 많이 simple한 것 같아요, 조금 더 complex한 문장들을 사용해주세요.
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