Some people are saying say that pay (salary 라는 표현이 더 좋을 것 같아요) is the most important thing when a person chooses a job. This is true but it is more important to find a job that you can be satisfied with than just to find a high salary job. Happiness is more important in our(people`s가 더 적절한가요? People로 통일해 주시는 것도 좋지만 our을 쓰셔도 되요.) lives and this is true for applies when getting a job. Also, if people only concentrate on a high salary job, they can lose a lot of other important things.
First, it is clear that you cannot buy happiness such as satisfaction in your job and being loved by someone you love (topic이랑 관련 없는 것 같아요. 없애주셔도 될 거 같습니다). To illustrate this point, suppose someone have a lot of money but you do not have family or spouse. What is the money for? He could cannot be happy. In the newspaper, there always are articles about rich celebrities who are illegally trying to avoid paying taxes. People can see that a lot of money in the end could make them irritated and therefore make them unhappy. Thus, we should put give being satisfied with our job in a higher value than finding a high salary job.
많은 돈을 버는 직업을 갖는 것 과 가족의 유무는 연관성이 없어 보입니다. 조금 더 보충설명을 해 주시는 게 좋을 것 같아요.
On the top of that, people who only focus on making lots of money can lose other important things. There are many diverse values that are as important as money or even more important that than money. For example, a hard worker who works very hard only to only get a higher salary cannot have enough time to rest. This can cause him to be exhausted at the end and eventually make him not to work anymore. In this case, he could lose both his wealth and his health. Paradoxically (문장의 흐름과 맞지 않는 단어 선택이신 것 같아요.) However, if you have proper amounts of works and have some leisure time, it can make you can work more efficiently and raise your salary.
직업에 만족하는 것과 많은 돈을 버는 것을 비교 해 주셔야 해요. 이 paragraph는 적당한 양의 일과 여과생활을 즐기면 효과적으로 일할 수 있고 돈도 더 벌 수 있다고 말하고 있네요.
For these reasons, I strongly say that having satisfaction in the a job is more meaningful than getting only a high salary. Since happiness is has a higher value than money, and employees who just try to have much money have a possibility of losing other valuable things. There is the saying that says, "you can`t buy the time and the people with money."
문법적으로는 크게 문제되는 부분은 없는 것 같아요. Minor mistakes들만 고쳐주시면 좋을 것 같아요. 하지만 내용면에서 전체적으로 off-topic으로 가는 경향이 있습니다. Topic을 제대로 파악해주시고 그 topic에 focus 해서 reason과 example을 써주셔야 합니다. 수고하셨습니다.