These days, a substantial number of people believe that deviant activities from occupation could be risk of time and effort waste for their life. (This sentence doesn’t make sense. 무슨 말을 하려는 건지 의미전달이 정확하지 못합니다. 수정해 주세요.) However, on the contrary, it is evident that people should have various hobbies which that are really different from their job. The rationale behind this is that special activities can improve the mental health and develop social skills.
First of all, distinctive hobbies from career should be helpful to improve the mental health. People can feel bored and tired because of from repetitive days. They want to release stresses which are from of their life. Through hobbies, they can do whatever they want to do and escape from the daily life. It should be is a refreshment to experience something new and special. Of course, through these activities, people also can have healthier mental health and get more efficiency on their job. For instance, when I was a high school student, I was really tired about of my life and was under stress which was from study. After I started to enjoyed the rock band club, however, I could not only got rid of my stress and but also concentrated better on my own study. It is clear that the diverse hobbies could make the one’s mental health enhanced and it should help him or her to have better capability (ability라고 쓰는게 더 좋을 것 같아요) for their work.
In addition, singular physical activities can give a chance to meet various people and develop the social skills. People usually meet the same people in the same place and the same time. (이 문단에 맞지 않는 sentence 인 것 같아요. 없애주시거나 further explanation을 붙여서 설명 해 주세요) On the other hand, people should connect with dissimilar people who are from different position. They could share their different experiences and give great advice ranging from work to life. Moreover, people should learn diverse cultures and how to deal with relationship. For example, Jenny, one of my high school friends, was very scared of meeting other people. After she joined the climbing club, however, she turned out to be confident. The reason is that she could have interaction with other people who are from various fields and get advices that on how to cope with her shyness. In this sense, inconsistent hobbies from their position help them to interact with people and to improve social skills
In conclusion, without any doubts, I strongly believe that people should have time to relax with different hobbies or physical activities that are different from their business. The reason is that special hobbies and activities make people more socialized as well as help them to enhance the mental health.
의견을 support 해주는 이유나 예시들의 point는 좋은 것 같습니다. 하지만 설명이 더 필요한 부분도 보이는 것 같네요. 그런 부분을 좀 더 신경 써서 보완해주시고 문법적인 부분을 조금 다듬어 주시면 좋을 것 같습니다. 문장의 흐름을 끊는 문장이나 의미전달이 잘 되지 않는 문장도 조금 있습니다. 수정 해 주시는 게 좋아요. 수고하셨습니다.