Topic: Do you agree or disagree to the following statement? Because of the fast changing world, people now are less happy and satisfied with their lives than people were in the past. Use specific details and reasons to support your answer.
Some people say that they can live their lives enthusiastically in the modern days, because of its ebullient spirits. Some feel thrill from the wild variances of society, and therefore are satisfied in their lives. I adamantly agree to this kind of view, because of some practical and social reasons. 주제와 나의 입장을 간결하게 잘 소개한 서론입니다. 내 입장에 대한 근거(본문에서 소개할 내용)를 간단하게 단어 수준으로 함께 언급하는 것도 좋겠습니다.
To start with, practically, people are attaining increasing convenience programs due to fast changing world. The world multinational companies are meticulously trying to understand the customers, and this enables them to produce more and more programs for people’ convenience. Therefore, from the increasing convenience in life, people get to enjoy their livings. To illustrate, nowadays, better cinemas, bigger department stores, more transportations, and better hospitals are built in almost every town. From this phenomenon, more people are provided more services and choices. 여러 다국적기업들이 고객의 needs를 만족시키기 위해 편리함과 더 나은 프로그램들을 추구하게 된다는 내용은 주제에 알맞습니다. 이 부분에서 'fast changing'이라는 키워드가 연결될 수 있도록 내용을 다듬어준다면 더 좋겠습니다. 단순히 고객을 이해하기 위해 노력하는 것이 아니라 오늘날의 fast-paced society에서 고객이 원하는 것을 빠르게 만족시키는 회사만이 성장하고 살아남을 수 있기 때문에 여러 기업들이 노력하고 다양한 상품들을 만들어냈다, 이것이 고객들이 편리한 삶을 누릴 수 있도록 이러이러한 도움을 줬다, 하는 식의 단계가 이어질 수 있습니다. For instance, my grandparents always say that the world nowadays is much better than the world before, especially in transportations. My grandmother asserted that she could not go to her hometown frequently before, because it took too much time to arrive in her hometown. At that time, there were no buses or cars. so that she had to travel on foot. However, in this modern world, we can easily go anywhere not only in our nation but also throughout the world, thanks to the fast advancement in transportations. Moreover, most of the teenagers are enthusiastic about the fast changing world, because it provides more thrilling activities for them. For instance, when I was young, I could not go to a karaokethe singing room with my friends, because the place was considered dirty and having lots of smoking adults. However, these days, I always go to a karaoke the singing room with my friends after exam, because after “singing room karaoke for teenagers’ was made, which is extremely clean and smoking-prohibited area, thanks to the fast changing world.
Additionally, fast changing world makes people to cooperate with each other world, inducing them to have deeper relationships. The society is not only advancing on the convenience aspects as aforementioned, It is but also fast evolving in diverse aspects, such as science, morals, languages, and more. However, although the advancements sometimes make people convenient, when it comes to technological advancements or space exploration, which is extremely fast evolving, the contents are so difficult that people sometimes cannot understand it. In this kind of case, people have to try to learn from each other, sharing their perspectives and opinions about certain programs. While this phenomenon, In this regard, people become more dependent to each other so that they finally make deeper relationships with many people. To illustrate, when I first went to the airport air port alone in America, the procedures were so different from Korea that I was too confused. Two nations were having basically different systems. So I ask another girl who was standing beside me, and as we talked together about the procedures, we could become friendly fast, that we still contact each other. Therefore, I believe that the fast evolving society can make people happy, while enhancing social relationships. 공항의 시스템이 다른 것은 fast-paced society와 직접적인 관련이 없습니다. 단순히 문화나 시스템의 차이일 뿐이지요. 빠르게 변화가 일어나는 시대에 사람들이 서로 협동을 할 수 있다는 나의 주장을 보여주기에 적합한 사례가 되기 위해서는 오늘날의 "격변의" 사회에서 나타나는 요소를 잘 보여주는 배경을 택하는 것이 더 적절하겠습니다.
To sum up, according to the aforementioned reasons and examples, I believe that modern people are satisfied in their lives thanks to the fast variations in the world.
주장에 대한 설명을 단계적으로 잘 풀어주셨습니다. 사례에서 내용이 엇나가지 않도록 주장에서 내가 강조하고자 하는 키워드에 초점을 두고 내용을 생각해내면 더 적절한 뒷받침자료를 생각할 수 있습니다^^ 글을 작성할 때 마지막에 문법 실수들을 체크할 시간 여유를 가질 수 있게끔 조절하면서 연습하는 것이 좋습니다. 논제 파악 effectiveness in addressing the task / 적절한 설명 appropriate explanation / 적절한 예증, 구체적 설명 appropriate exemplification, details / 일관성, 단계적 구성 unity, progression, coherence / 다양한 단어 구사 syntactic variety / 적절한 단어 선택, 관용적 표현 word choice, idiomaticity의 여섯가지 항목이 주로 채점의 기준으로 사용되니 참고하세요. 수고 많으셨습니다^^ 화이팅!