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Some people think that unhealthy foods should be taxed. Others think that it should be treated as same as other good foods. The issue is a controversial one, but in my opinion, a close examination reveals that unhealthy food such as fast foods or cigarette should be taxed for several reasons. I will explain my position providing examples to support my point of view.
One reason is that taxing unhealthy food will actually decrease the consumption of bad foods dramatically. why? Supportive sentence 써주세요~ I believe that everyone wants to be healthy. However, even though they know they will become sick when they constantly eat bad food, they cannot help getting them as most of bad foods such as fast food are cheap and very easy to access. Therefore, when unhealthy foods are taxed, there will be no reason to choose bad food instead of healthy foods for consumers. 더 구체적인 서술이 충분히 가능해보입니다.
Another reason is that because companies will not inform people the bad points of their products. 이건 무슨 말인가요? 지금 건강에 해가 되는 음식에 세금을 부과해야한다는 입장이시죠? 그리고 그 이유가 이 문장인데.. 세금을 내게하면 음식의 나쁜 점을 소개하지 않을 것이기 때문에 세금을 부과해야한다? 이해하기가 어려운 문장이고 논리입니다. Usually, they stresses the only good points of their product. To illustrate this point, let’s take the example of drinking soda. It contains great amount of sugar which affects badly for people’s body. However, companies do not talk about it. Instead, it just advertises how great the taste is. Therefore, I strongly believe that the government has responsibility to take an action to protect their citizens by taxing bad foods. 첫 문장을 이해할 수 있도록 수정해주셔야 할 것 같습니다. 또한 이를 보충설명해줄 수 있는 supportive sentence 도 필요합니다.
On the other hand, some may argue that unhealthy food should be treated as same as good foods. These individuals may assert that people should have freedom to choose bad or good food which is in same condition. However, the problem is that taking an unhealthy food such as cigarette does not only affect the people who gets it, but also it affects others. For instance, let’s say that a person smokes in public. Then, the people around the person would inhale the smog of cigarette at the second hand. Therefore, I believe regulation is needed for these kinds of products. 이번 문단은 세 번째 근거가 되는건가요? 그렇다면 자신의 입장과 반대되는 사람들의 이야기를 먼저 할 것이 아니라 본인의 입장을 설명할 수 있는 근거를 먼저 제시하시고 그 다음 supportive sentence 쓰시는 것이 더 낫겠습니다.
In summary, while there are arguments to be made for both sides, it is clear that there are greater advantages of taxing unhealthy food because of the above mentioned reasons.
글의 흐름이 깨지는 부분들이 중간중간 있습니다. 코멘트해놓은 부분들 생각하시면서 다시 한번 글 점검해주시고 더 좋은 방향으로 고쳐보시면 좋을 것 같습니다. 표현력은 좋으십니다~ 수고하셨습니다! ^^ |