Some people prefer to go to a small grocery store while others like a large store. Which do you prefer and why?
Unlike the past where only small-scaled private market did exist, today, emergence of giant markets like Costco and Carrefour is prevalent. Thus, being given more options when it comes to as purchasing the goods, it seems that majority of population prefer to shop from those gigantic sellers. Even for myself, I love to shop at hypermarkets.
First of all, large stores overwhelm the small enterprises in the price competition. Generally, goods in the hypermarkets are offered to the customers at a lower rate compared to that in the small stores. It is because they are able to get the products from the supplier at a cheaper price as they tend to buy large quantity. Eventually, it makes difference in the price. Thus, most of the people will opt to go to hypermarket as we do not wish to make any extra expenditure in purchasing identical products from small merchandises. 나의 입장을 뒷받침하기에 타당한 근거와 설명입니다. 설명부분에서 사람들이 싼 가격에 물건을 사면 결과적으로 생활비가 절약되고 더 나은 생활을 누릴 수 있다는 식의 장점을 더 부각시키는 것도 좋을 것 같아요. 설명에 이어 나의 주장을 예증해줄 수 있는 경험담이나 연구결과, 보도자료 등을 가공해서 제시해주세요.
Moreover, large stores provide conducive environment for shopping. It is often air-conditioned and a variety of products are displayed in systematic order with adequate price. As such, we will have much chance to compare the products and it will not be feasible in small store because they usually offer a limited variety of goods. (a variety of가 a number of 와 같이 하나의 표현으로 굳어져서 사용하므로 a를 함께 쓰는 것이 더 자연스러운 표현입니다.) Furthermore, the spacious place enables the shoppers to move around the store freely with the shopping cart. Additionally, the music that is played by the store made makes us to feel pleased. Subsequently, It is located in the place where it is highly accessible. As a result, those features satisfy the customers and contribute in attracting more customers. 마찬가지로 타당한 근거와 설명입니다. 독립형 답안에서는 적절한 예증, 구체적 설명 (appropriate exemplification, details)이 평가항목으로 사용되기 때문에 이 부분에서도 설명을 간략하게 줄이고 대신에 관련 사례를 구체화해서 분량에 포함시킨다면 득점에 더 좋겠습니다.
To sum up, Such benefits that the giant sellers offer as I mentioned above ultimately make themselves made them to dominate the market these days. 한문단으로합쳐주세요 Thereafter, (thereafter: 그 후에) Therefore I prefer to shop in those large stores because their services are better and it is more economical to shop in hypermarkets.
논제에 대한 나의 입장을 뒷받침하기에 타당한 근거들을 잘 생각해주셨습니다. 그에 대한 '증거'차원에서 사례를 제시해주는 것이 논리전달 면에서 더 좋습니다. 에세이 문제 자체에서 Use specific reasons and examples to support your answer. 라면서 요구하기도 하니까요. 같은 단어의 반복적인 사용 대신 다양한 단어를 활용해서 글을 구성해준다면 좋겠습니다^^ 코멘트 참고하셔서 내용 수정보완해주시기 바랍니다. 수고 많으셨습니다^^ 화이팅!