▶ Your Answer :
Showing my strength
and accomplishment to influential people, especially to employers, Making sure that
influential people, especially potential employers, know my strength and
accomplishments is one of the key elements to succeed make a success in my professional career. (body 1,2 에서 쓰실 내용을 간략하게 서술해주세요.)
First of
all, 1. it helps not only me but also them (the influential people or
potential employer). Even though it would be is unnecessary to let them know, potential
employer could have basis to appoint employee to proper position where he or she
can manage well may place right employee in right position and I can do what I can do good
and want to do. Everyone has right to pursue of happiness even when he or she gets getting a job.
1.
“me” 와 “them” 을 어떤 점에서 돕는 다는 것인지까지도 첫 문장에 써주시고 뒤에서는 “왜 그러한지” 그리고 이어서 예를 들어주시면 좋을 것 같네요.
Second,
standing from a view point of potential employer, they might not look for
humble and self discriminating person. The person they are looking for and wants
to hire is the passionate and skillful applicant. They are paid for trying
to find a proper person for the specific position. (본문 2가 본문 1의
내용과 상당히 유사하게 진행되고 있는 것 같네요..) Some people might consider it as an act of boasting and it is unnecessary
to do and even insists that there is no need to let them know if it is
unnecessary. However, it cannot be seen as a boasting. to describe my
strength and accomplishments is an objective describe just same as to
describe my weakness and failure in my life. (? 나의 강점을 말하는 것은 약점을 말하는 것과 같이 객관적인 것이다? 말하고자 하는 바가 무엇인가요?) Giving objective
information is one of the obligations of an applicant.
Third, no
one can find out someone’s strength or accomplishment by simply glancing at a glance of
a document that an applicant submit of a person or gives favor to self discriminating
applicants.
너무 짧은 문단이네요. 뒷받침해주는 문장들도 빈약합니다.
For
these reasons, I insist that anyone who wants to find a job or have opportunity
to meet an influential people should impress them with
objective information of your accomplishments.
글 전체적으로 디테일이 부족해서 “설득적”이라기
보다는 같은 말만 되풀이 하는 글처럼 보입니다. 본론은 세 문단이나 되지만 서로 뚜렷하게 구별되는 근거를
서술했다는 생각은 들지 않습니다. 또 한 문단을 구성하는데 한 문장은 지나치게 빈약합니다. 연습하면서 이런 부분들에 주의하시면 좋겠습니다. 수고하셨습니다. |