▶ Your Answer :
Some people might think that accepting criticism is nothing to do with the success in a group work. In my opinion, however, those who are not able to accept criticism cannot be successful when they work in a group: they cannot cooperate well with their coworkers and overcome their weaknesses or faults.
To start with, those who cannot accept criticism cannot cooperate well with their coworkers. Generally, teamwork is one of the important factors to succeed in group work. However, if someone cannot accept criticism, other members might feel uncomfortable in working with them, and cannot perform well. For example, last semester, I did some group work in marketing class. However, one of my team members did not accept any criticism about him or his ideas. All other members had difficult time to communicate with him and we could not do well in that group project. (예시가 너무 밋밋하다라는 느낌이 많이들었어요. 잘 못한건 어느정도 뻔하고 짐작할수 있는 내용이고, 구체적으로 싸우는 이유같은거, 의견을 존중안한다 뭐 딴짓을 한다 등등... 좀더 구체적인 디테일을 넣어주면 좋을것같다라는 생각이들어요. In this way, we can say that people who cannot accept criticism cannot collaborate with other people in working in a group, which leads to poor performance and result.
Moreover, people are not able to accept criticism cannot improve their performances. Some people might say that those who cannot accept others’ criticism tend to do well in their work and by cling to their opinions, they could be successful in some cases. However, everyone can make mistakes or faults, which should be improved to do better jobs. Therefore, in order to get better results and be successful in working in group, people need to accept criticism with open mind. According to research conducted by the Korea Times, more than eighty percent of company workers say that accepting criticism helps people to overcome their weaknesses and develop their potential. They also add that those who cannot accept others’ criticism can be a bad influence on a group work since keeping mistakes or faults makes the team waste time or energy. (여기서 이제 closing sentence를 써주시면 좋을것같아요.)
In conclusion, for these above reasons, 결론에서도 꼭2가지 이유 적어주시는게 좋아요거기에 + @(자신의소견까지 써주면좋고요) I strongly think that those who cannot accept criticism cannot be successful in working in a group.
Comment: 전반적으로 글은 잘쓰는것같아요. 하지만 redundancy가 있는듯한 느낌이 너무납니다,그리고 에쎼이에서 몇가지 디테일을 빼먹으신 부분들도 있고요... 그리고 항상 주제 써주세요... 일단 주제와 연관되있는지, 그게 가장중요한 포인트니까요... ㅎㅎ 수고하셨습니다. |