▶ Your Answer :
These days, many people tend to judge a person based on his by looking a person’s appearance and dress rather than his or her personality or knowledge. However, I strongly believe that personality or knowledge which is internal value is more important factor to succeed for especially success than superficial feature. (ß성공하는 데 internal value 가 superficial feature 보다 중요하다는 말이죠?) If a person who is good looking has have no idea for the future, he or she definitely won’t be able to succeed in any fields.
To begin with, one’s appearance could not last for a long time. (이런 식으로 첫 문장을 잡으시는 것이 더 simple 하지만 더 clear 합니다.) People are able to keep their ability to make good ideas, which are important factor to succeed, even until they get really old while people cannot keep their beauty forever; the older they get, the older their appearance gets too. The physical appearance might be superior to one’s ability superiority at first in every field, but it is just contemporary. On the other hands, having good ideas not only lasts forever but also makes the world better. For example, when I went to the academy, there were two teachers; one was beautiful, and the other was not as beautiful as the first one. At first, I preferred to have a class with the beautiful teacher because of just her beauty. I took classes handled by both of them both of them classes, and finally, I chose the one who was not pretty. Even though she was not much charming in appearance, she did know how to teach students well(,) and her class was so much more fun. Through this experience, I realized that I shouldn’t judge people by with their appearance.
Furthermore, unique and unusual things get more attention than beauty. Today, so many people get a plastic surgery to make them more beautiful so that others will pay attention to them. If you look around, you can see there are so many good looking people. However, because everyone has same ideal faces tries to make them beautiful, everyone just look same and identical. At this point, person with beauty cannot survive in the world; the person does need something unique and different from others: intelligence and good ideas. (something unique and different 한 것이 intelligence and good ideas 라는 것을 처음부터 밝혀주셔야 할 것 같습니다. 처음엔 수술로 만들어진 획일화된 외모보다 개성있는 외모가 더 주목받는다는 내용이라고 생각했습니다. 이점 수정바랍니다. 또한 이번 문단에서는 “성공”과 관련해서는 설명이 약합니다. Intro 에서 사회에서 성공하기 위해서는 외모보다는 실력이 중요하다고 했으므로 “성공”을 연관지어 설명하는 것은 필수입니다.)
Overall, due to the several reasons above, I definitely think that having good ideas is more essential to succeed than a person’s looks and dress. When you see famous features such as Napoleon, they had successful lives because of their ability and talent not because of their appearance. People should try to develop their talent and intelligence for success, not get a plastic surgery or pour much time to make them look beautiful.
본문에 비해 오히려 conclusion 은 깔끔하게 잘 마무리하신 것 같습니다.
Comment 해드린 부분들 기억하시면서 수정해주시면 좋을 것 같습니다. 수고하셨습니다~~ |