▶ Your Answer :
These days, it is obvious that there are computers for students in most schools(,) and students use them efficiently for studying and class. However, they also use computers in inappropriate ways such as playing violent games or chatting with others. In my opinion, I strongly believe that a school should invest in purchasing books for the library rather than computers. By setting computers, students tend to use them in an entertaining way rather than in studying, and as a result, it would be hard for them to focus on studying. (clear 한 intro 입니다~ ^^)
First of all, 처음엔 본인의 핵심 근거가 와야합니다. Intro 에서는 students tend to use computers in an entertaining way 라고 하셨네요~ 이런 의미를 전달하는 문장을 써주시면 되겠습니다. This is because students are more interested in playing games than watching an educational program like “EBS”. If a school sets up computers for students, they would play games or chat with others every break time. Even during the class, they use the computer for personal things instead of for learning class. In my experience, I had a computer class in high school. During the computer class, students had to go to a computer lab and were allowed to use a computer. However, during the class, there were few students who really used the computer for the class in appropriate way while most of them used the computer for by playing game, chatting with others, searching the internet(,) and so on. It is hard for students to focus on studying with computer even if there is a teacher who watches students. (supportive sentence 가 조금 더 구체적이라면 좋을 것 같습니다. 학생들의 관심대상이 무엇인지를 구체적으로 보충하셔도 좋을 것 같구요~)
On the other hands, books make students get useful information(, ) and by reading a book, students are able to improve their reading skill which is essential for studying. It is true that a person who reads many books has better understanding skill and more information. When you see any interviews of students who studies well, they always say “I’ve read a lot of books when I was young” or “I like reading books”. At this point, reading books is an essential factor for students to study well. Therefore, if a school wants its students improve more and study well, it is the school better to offer books rather than computers to students. (구체적인 예시를 사용하시면 좋을 것 같습니다.)
Overall, for the above reasons, I strongly think that a school should pour money into buying books for the library rather than computers. School is a place which makes students get more information and help them learn educationally. A book offers useful information as well as helpful skill such as reading fast fest and understanding skill, while a computer gives students only entertaining time.
표현력은 결코 뒤쳐지지 않으십니다. 다만, 내용을 완성도있게 만들기 위해서는 구체적인 부분들이 강화되어야 할 것 같습니다. 객관적인 자료를 제시하시는 것도 좋구요~ 일단 각 문단의 처음 두, 세문장을 주의깊게 서술하시는 것이 중요합니다. 인트로가 글 전체의 안내서라면 각 문단의 흐름은 앞의 두 문장이 결정한다고 해도 과언은 아닙니다. 다음 글 쓰실 때에는 이 점을 염두해두시면 좋을 것 같습니다. 수고하셨습니다~ |