▶ Your Answer :
I do agree with the statement that the ability to cooperate well with other people in thesedays is more important than in the past. This is because, by acquiring the ability to cooperate, people can lead successful life and socialize well with other people around them.
Most importantly, people can achieve successful career by cooperation. Due to the globalization, many people have to handle huge amounts of work than in the past. The problem is that the increased work was used to be handled by several people before. And also according to this social trend, most of the working people suffer from high volumes of work at company. 마치 과거의 상황을 이야기하시듯 과거형을 써주셨습니다. 그런데 이어지는 문장을 볼까요? So cooperation is indispensable these days. (협력이 필요한 상황은 과거인데, 협력은 현재 더 많이 필요하다고 하네요? 내용 수정하셔야겠죠?) The survey released by Bain and Company shows the research that most senior executives at leading company said that their key to success was the ability to cooperate with other members of the company. They added that by cooperating with many other people they can share creative ideas and reduce possible errors. As this illustrated above, if they had not cooperate with others, they might not have achieved their successful career.
Moreover, by having the ability to cooperate with others, people can learn how to interact with people. (why do you think so? Supportive sentence 써주세요~) As we are living in highly competitive society many people try hard to out-compete others. In this way people don’t have enough chances to interact with people around them. Take my sister as a way of example. She used to spend a lot of time studying for university entrance enterance exam in the library alone. As time passed, she got much stress because she had has no one to talk to there. So she joined the sports club. In that club, she made many new friends and got to know them on a personal level. She also learned how to cooperate with people by having chance to teaming up with club members. Furthermore she went to library with her new club friends and studied effectively. (어떻게 해야 effective 하게 한건가요? 이게 핵심인데, 핵심만 쏙~ 빼고 예시를 주셨네요…. Cooperation! 이 예시에서 보여져야합니다!) As it is this illustrated above, the ability to cooperate with others cannot be overlooked at all.
To sum up, cooperating with many other people is indispensable these days. By cooperating well with others people can have lead more successful life. And also they can socialize well with people around them by using the ability to cooperation.
내용 흐름 상 부족한 내용들이 많습니다. 자연스러운 연결들을 위해 필요한 내용들을 추가적으로 설명해주시면 좋을 것 같습니다. 상대적으로 표현은 깔끔하게 잘하셨습니다~ 수고하셨습니다! ^^ |